Happy Birthday Mama Rama!

Hello Queens (and Kings)! Today I am celebrating my Mothers birthday, Rahmatoullahy Barry Mahotiere. She would have been 61 if she was still alive today. I am the age she was when she was pregnant with her first child. My mother departed from this earth almost 30 years ago yet I still feel the need to grieve from this loss. Just recently I got more comfortable with speaking about losing my mother. Before, I would avoid questions about my life because I hate having to talk about the death of my parents. However, I had a coworker of mine who lost her mother this summer. I felt it was my duty to speak up to give her words of encouragement. Losing a mother is never easy no matter how old you are when it happens. I was 1 year old when my mom died. Growing up, I was always ashamed of how much I missed her. Everyone made it seem like because I was a baby, I could not possible be effected by someone I barely knew but that is not true. My mother loved me so much. Even as an infant, I felt that loss instantly. I may not remember her but I remember the feeling of abandonment. I remember the feeling of loneliness. I remember feeling like I had no sense of identity. I remember feeling isolated and ignored by others because I could not relate to them. Being a motherless child does not make you a bad person. However it felt like I was always being punished for not having her in my life. I also was not protected the way I know she would have wanted me to be. The moment people realize that my parents are dead, they smell vulnerability. Now I am more prone to being attacked. This is what caused me to become so defensive. Who else is going to defend me if both my parents are no longer living? That is why my waist beads is more than just a piece of jewelry that I wear. It is a spiritual gift from my mother. When I first started making waist beads, I remember a spirit telling me to keep making more and more and I believe that spirit was my mother. Now the more that I wear, the more protected I feel. A mothers love for her child can never die. Even when they depart from this earth. The day of the accident, my mother did not die instantly. She died on the way to the hospital. Before she took her last breath, she still managed to stay alive to make sure her children were okay. They pronounced her dead after my father. Although people always thought they died together, that wasn’t necessarily the case. I say all this because I know one day I will be a mother. I could not imagine leaving my future children alone in the world the way my mother had to leave us. I also know that I need to heal a great deal before I even consider being a mother to avoid any trauma cycles. My mother and I are not the same. I inherited a lot from her but we are two totally different people with different upbringings which is fine. One day, I will have children that will inherit things from me but not my trauma. I do not want my children to live the way I did nor do I want them to be the same person as me. I will never know who I would have been if my mother did not die that day. Therefore, I’m hoping my children end up with a life completely different than mine. I had to deal with a lot of people blaming and labeling me for my mothers life choices and decisions. No matter what anyone says about my mother, I will always be proud of her and the life she lived. She was able to accomplish things in her life that I struggle with having for myself. Earlier this year, I spoke to a psychic medium to see if my mother had any messages for me. One of the messages the psychic said was “Your mom has a husband for you.” I instantly thought to myself “Does my mom even know my type?” Without saying it out loud, it was as if the psychic heard my exact thoughts. She said “Trust me! Your mom says she knows this man is the right one for you.” I asked the psychic “Who is it?” Do I know him?” She replied “You’ll meet him soon. It’s someone from your past.” Immediately I got discouraged. I thought the psychic was making up stuff. She reassured me to “Trust her.” I was hesitant because I just knew that no man from my past could ever be my husband. Still I trusted the psychic’s message only because she said it came from my mother even though I was very reluctant at first. I thought to myself “I know my mom won’t let me down!” Also because I know how much my father loved my mother. I was not being loved that way. Since I never got the opportunity to grow up with my mother, I could never talk to her about their love, marriage or relationship. I told one of my spiritual sisters after moving out of Atlanta, “I want a man that loves me the way my dad loved my mom. Their love was deep! I want a love like that!” I just knew I was not going to find that in the environment I was in. Part of me leaving Atlanta was in hopes to find my future husband. I figured if my mom has a husband for me, I could bet a million dollars he’s not in Atlanta. Otherwise I would have been married by now and I’m not. That’s when I made the decision to save myself. After what the psychic told me what my mother said, I was proud of myself for my celibacy journey! I thought “Might as well wait for my husband! My mom said she will send me one!” This year makes 8 years of celibacy.

When I first started having sex I knew that something was not right. It seemed way to sacred for me to just do it without intention. I also felt my Mothers spirit being disrupted. I knew she wanted me to stop it immediately. Its crazy how a mothers love, protection and even discipline can be felt even years after departing earth. Everyday I think about what my mother would want for me. I could never ignore her spirit. Every time I do, I regret it. Because of how smart, beautiful and kind she was, I know that she only wants the best for me. However trauma can block your judgement and effect your mind. That is why healing is so important for me. Due to the loss of my mother, I experienced a lot of trauma throughout my life. I was so lost but as we know the lost can be found. I’m finding my way back to the light! My mother is more than my guardian angel. She is a spiritual guide that helps me know which direction to go. That’s why I knew I had to leave my hometown. There was way too many negative forces surrounding me. When I think about my mother, she dealt with those same negative forces before she died. I would be a fool to let those same negative forces lead me to my demise which is why I knew I had to go. If my mother was alive today, I’m sure she would be proud of me.

Since she is gone, I have to listen to her spirit so I can make sure she is resting peacefully. I want her to still be proud but its up to me to make the right decisions in life. My mother is not happy when I am not happy. My mother is not happy when I am miserable and misery loves company. That’s why it is so important for me to be surrounded by love. If I can’t find love to surround myself around, then I must isolate myself and focus on loving myself. As I continue healing, I need to ensure I have a supportive enviornment that wants me at my best at all times. At your best you are loved and I know that is what my mother wants for me! Happy Birthday again to my beautiful West African Queen! May your soul live on forever! Thank you so much for giving me LIFE

Love Always,

Malon Mahotiere