Remembering July 28th: Where 2 died

Hey Queens and Kings! Since today is Waist Bead Wednesday and also the 26th year anniversary of when I lost my parents I decided to write another blog. The month of July is always difficult for me after July 4th because I am always dreading this day. For some reason it seemed like this month was going slower than ever. Since I was a little girl, I have always suffered from feeling depressed in July. Although I do not remember that day, my body still remembers that night when I lost my parents. I just recently accepted the fact that I am a lot different than most people because of that night but that doesn’t necessarily mean something bad. I am extremely intuitive and I have developed a 6th sense because of that traumatic event. My parents died in front of my eyes and I know I do not remember it but my body remembering that is enough for me to know how much it effected me growing up. I don’t think I have ever felt so much pain and sorrow in my life than I did that day but I could not process it. I was too young to process it. That’s why now as I get older, I realize I developed a super power. I am able to process the emotions I am feeling but healing from grief is not easy. Especially when you are not given the proper space to heal. The reality of my parents being dead was something I had to accept but I have to admit that I do not love that fact. I wish my parents were here with me. They did not deserve to leave this earth so soon and l did not deserve to grow up without them. This is why I struggled with love for so many years. As a little girl, I did not understand why people always worried for me. I used to see so many adults crying around me and it would make me sad. It took me a long time to realize that they were crying because of me and they were sad because of my life. This did not make me happy so I would try to make them smile. I would do anything to make them feel better. Now that I am older, I understand why they were so sad and heartbroken for me. It is a heartbreaking situation but I would be lying if I said that my life is not a blessing. I could have died with my mother and father but God spared me my life at the young age of 1. My parents loved me so much! They were so excited when I came into this world that even as a 1 year old I never lost touch of that love. When I grew older I knew that they loved me but I couldn’t feel their love and I would get sad. I became depressed. I suffered from all types of abuse from all types of people and got PTSD as a result. I have been attacked, violated and assaulted numerous times in my life. So many negative things happened to me and I could not understand why until I realized something. I have to accept the fact that I am loved by loving myself. Loving myself is deeper than self care. Because I did not have my mother and father, I felt like I had a void. That void caused me to look for love in all the wrong places trying to fill that void. One day I finally realized that the love I so desperately want to receive is already inside of me. I was created by it so I should embrace that. Despite the fact that I don’t have my parents in my life, that does not change the fact that they love me and they love my life because they gave me life. Parents truly do sacrifice their life for their kids. I am not saying that they wanted to leave because I know for a fact my mother wasn’t ready to go. But at the end of the day, they would rather me have my life be fulfilled because I was such a blessing to them. I love my parents so much and I miss them so much. I wish they could be here but instead I just accept the fact that they’re in a better place and I trust that they will continue to protect me and guide me from above.

Thank you for all of your love and support on this day. I truly appreciate it all.

Love always,

Malon Mahotiere