First born

Greetings! I would like to give a birthday shoutout to my brother with the same mother. The first born son of Dr. Sauveur Mahotiere and Rahmatoullahy Barry Mahotiere, Sauveur Mahotiere Junior aka Suave. Happy Birthday my brother! Blessings to you. Today is significant because of the numbers 3/4/2024. I called my brother to wish him a Happy Birthday but today was a very emotional day. There was a lot on my mind starting with my mother. I kept thinking about her being pregnant with my brother.

This month I wanted to start over and start fresh. I wanted to leave whatever happened last month in the past which includes Valentines Day. However, someone seemed to bring it up once again at work.

When I mentioned Valentines Day at work, it was because typically people celebrate that holiday with their significant other or children if they have any. I don’t really celebrate Valentines Day the traditional way. I almost always celebrate the holiday alone. I didn’t want to keep doing that but I’m used to it. However, my coworkers seem to think that I wanted to celebrate alone. They were talking about me as if I didn’t want to have a Valentine. “Malon broke up with dude right before Valentines Day.” Then he accused me of “running off” because I went to Vegas. All of this is my fault.

I immediately got defense but didn’t feel like explaining a relationship that doesn’t exist. I don’t like how people act as if I want to be alone. My brothers speak to me the same way. A lot of men speak to me as if I’m “cold” or “mean” and I’m really starting not to like that. They make it seem like I’m “difficult” or that I am not willing to give a guy a chance. After work today I started to get emotional.

I kept thinking about my mother and father. I wanted to ask them so badly about what they think of me. I’m not sure if people are saying things to “gaslight” me or make me feel like I am not allowed to have standards when it comes to dating and relationships. My mother was my age when she had my brother. Clearly she knew something I didn’t. She was married and pregnant with a kid at 30. Can you imagine what it must feel like having a child by a man that loves you? I can only imagine what that would feel like. I wish my mother could tell me what that experience was like for her. The older I get the harder it is to grieve. These are thoughts and emotions that I cannot explain to people so I’ve been isolating myself. I felt depressed for a lot of weeks. My mind wasn’t just stuck on Valentines Day. I started thinking about how much my life has drastically changed in the last few months.

Over the weekend, I did my first event of the year at Coco Drip. It was great! I really enjoyed the other ladies that were there especially some of the vendors. I didn’t have a huge set up but I was next to a couple that’s been together for over 60 years. They were high school sweet hearts. I felt honored to be next to them. I loved watching them interact. I couldn’t help but think about my parents. I wish they were able to grow old together. Although my mother was a lot younger than my dad, it probably wouldn’t be the same dynamic. This month is my parents wedding anniversary month. If they were still alive, they would be together for 36 years. God bless their souls. I believe my parents are still together and I love that for them. Thinking about the love my parents had for each other plus me and my brothers make me happy but it’s thinking of their absence that makes me feel depressed. I wish my parents could celebrate their first born today. I wish I could’ve celebrated Valentines Day with them. I wish I could celebrate their anniversary with them.

Today is my last day being “Malon”. After tonight I’m bringing back my alter ego Slim Shady because I’ve been way too deep in my feelings. My alter ego is a form of protection. It’s the time for my real self to escape reality. I usually do this if I’ve been feeling depressed or I’ve been crying too much. Tonight, I am praying for my healing. I cant focus on loving anyone until I learn to love every part of myself and my life which includes the good, the bad and the ugly. Ego can help mask your real self to heal it.

When its time to have my first born child, I want to be healed a great deal. I think about being a mother but I am not in a rush. I don’t know who I would let get me pregnant but one thing I do know: Motherhood is better when you have a great support system, safe environment, and a village.

I’m in no rush but I’m making notes.

That’s all for now!

Happy Birthday mon frère Sauveur Mahotiere Junior

Love Always,

Malon Mahotiere