Waist Bead Wednesday: Good girls and Good guys

Greetings Queens and Kings! Happy Waist bead Wednesday! I want to talk about good girls and good guys. During my celibacy I have gone through so many “eras”. I believe I had my “good girl gone bad” era.

For a long time I used to think being a “good girl” was overrated. I was only doing what felt natural. Being “good” to me meant not having sex with just ANYONE, being loyal to your man and be smart. Now they have this saying “Good guys finish last.” I guess a “Good” guy would mean the same thing!

A man with standards and self control, a man that’s not abusive in anyway and one that loves women and RESPECTS women (because we all know those are 2 different things) that’s my idea of a “good” guy. However I never thought good guys really existed. I thought all the good guys were dead including my father. I remember I used to think no one would ever love me the way my father loved my mother because men don’t love women that way anymore. People always tried to label my father as the “BAD GUY” but what about when he was GOOD TO EVERYONE? Before my parents even met, my father would do THE MOST for his first wife. I wasn’t there during these times but I heard stories. My father is the reason why a lot of her family is in America TO THIS DAY! HE sent for them one by one and they all lived under one roof. Although my stepmother is no longer here to defend herself, lets just say that she wasn’t too pleased with my father leaving her for an African woman nearly 25 years younger.

My mother was a good girl. Most African women are raised to believe sex before marriage is a sin. The cultures and traditions of love, family and community are so different than American culture. People didn’t know a lot about my mother but they could tell that I was different from other girls. “Malon aren’t you muslim?” I don’t know what I am. I just pray and thank God for my life blessings.

I would love to ask my parents about how they met but I know that when it happened it wasn’t something other people knew or expected. I wonder how my father decided to tell everyone. His first wife shared a lot of information with me before she passed away. “I decided to get a divorce.” My stepmom always claimed how she didn’t want my father anymore because he was having too much fun with the women in Africa. She never really blamed my mother but she spoke so poorly about what was happening that other people started to blame her. “He left his wife and married another woman!”

Now suddenly my mother who I believe was a good girl is now “the bad guy” or should I say “bad gal” cuz MAN WAS SHE BAD. My mama came to America and SH!T got REALLY REAL. They couldn’t believe my dad actually married this woman in Africa, brought her to America and now here she is pregnant, now she’s pregnant AGAIN, then 3 times the charm and yours truly was finally born.

Every day I thank God for my parents love. They may not be here but I know love exists because of them and that’s why I believe it is so powerful. They aren’t even here anymore and I still feel that love

Right now I’m in Vegas but I don’t know for how long and I don’t know where I’m going next. I just know I’m not going back to LA until I absolutely have to. While in Vegas, I decided to go to a WNBA game. Since NBA con, I realize now how challenging it is to do sports media. I feel like NBA con gave me a pass (pretty privilege) but now let the GAMES BEGIN. I attempted to do media but there’s so much I need to learn. I just go places and test my luck. Maybe I might embarrass myself or maybe I’ll get an opportunity. You only miss the shots you don’t take anyways so I always just go for it!

I decided to resign from my position as barber instructor and just go back to school. After this summer I realized so much about myself. One biggest thing I noticed is that I’m attracted to my own trauma. Moving to LA made me see that I need to reevaluate what I trust just because it is familiar. Whatever is familiar is questionable. THIS IS IMPORTANT! When you’ve been through so much, you don’t even realize you are repeating a cycle of trauma by going to what feels familiar to you. Los Angeles and Hollywood is nothing but a magnified version of everything I experienced from childhood: exploiting my pain, mind control, emotional manipulation, mind control, silencing my voice, MIND CONTROL.

I repeated mind control because that is the biggest factor in what makes people become “bad”. Its not that they were ever bad. They just finally got a taste of a reality beyond someone else’s control. Now they are able to live for THEM and not for anyone else. IS THAT SO BAD? No its not but when its coming from a “good” person than it can be HORRIBLE and hard for others to accept. Being “good” is subjective if you’re a girl. I told y’all my opinion of being a good girl. I wanted to be like my mom.

My mother and my father waited to have sex. I know this because of all the SH!T they used to talk about my parents. “He only married her so he can have sex with her.” AND SO WHAT? Isn’t that normal for good girls? People speaking down on my mother never bothered me. I learned from her haters. When I decided to be celibate it was because of my mother. I lost my virginity 10 years ago.

When I lost my virginity, I was considered a “good girl” who fell for the “bad guy” what’s his name? NOT IMPORTANT. That experience changed me. He attempted to try and play me. What is up with people’s obsession with trying to humble black girls? He didn’t realize this pussy got some POWERS.

It wasn’t until I was in Miami talking to Emmet about past relationships. He finished going through a divorce and I was asking a lot of questions. That’s when I started talking about my dad. “I think I may have to do what your dad did and go to Africa to find my Queen.” I’m not against that idea but I want women to understand that there are still men who value “good girls” and vice versa. Its true that the “good guys” get taken advantage of A LOT! I see it all the time with my brother! One is a savage and one is a simp. Both of them aren’t bad guys but you couldn’t tell because of how they act. Its almost as if men have been trained to “ACT BAD” so women don’t take advantage. However I would like to challenge that by saying women do the SAME THING. When I went through my “bad gal” era I was really hurting inside. I’m not ashamed to admit that heartbreak from love isn’t easy for me to get over.

Once I’m over it, I’m like Summer Walker: OVER IT! Girls can never say they want a bad guy because that means guys are gonna act worse. I think girls are really attracting their own reflection without assessment. Why label all men as bad when some women really should look in the mirror. I did it!

Once you do that you realize you are attracting your reflection. It’s not about good or bad, its more so about where you are in your life and what you are attracting. I was a good girl attracting all these F boys but when I took a deeper look at myself in the situation, I was attracting these men based on my trauma.

The reason why we promote self love over here is because that will stop whatever you are attracting that isn’t a reflection of the love you have for yourself. You gotta do A LOT of shadow work. I attract men based off of my shadow but I am a light. That’s why LA wasn’t right for me. Too much darkness.

Its not that I can’t be surrounded in darkness or that I can’t handle darkness, but that isn’t my purpose. MY purpose is to be a LIGHT in other people’s darkness. I guess that’s why I’m so attracted to it. I’m not trying to date the bad guy but whatever his shadow is revealing, that’s what’s going to attract me.

Everything is energy anyway. Lightness, darkness, shadows, colors, subconscious thoughts are energy.

We can’t label people based off of the energy they are operating from. When someone is in darkness for so long and they finally step into the light, that’s a different type of energy than what is familiar. Therefore good guys who turn bad may have been someone who decided to be selfish or maybe they decided I AM NOT ACCEPTING THIS FOR MY LIFE so they changed. People label them as “bad”.

Same applies for women when the good girl turns bad, she’s done being taken advantage of. When I lost my virginity, I thought it would make me and buddy closer. I had known him since I was 12 so I felt that he was someone I could share my body with but I was wrong. Not only did he change how I viewed sex, he changed how I viewed men in general. “They all just after one thing anyway.” I already had a cold heart but buddy made me freeze it. Months later he did apologize for his behavior towards me “You didn’t deserve that and I am glad we shared that moment. Whoever you end up with is lucky.”

That conversation confirmed that being a good girl is a waste. I was on my Rihanna sh!t after that. For some reason I thought being “bad” was having sex and not giving a F about what happens afterwards. I’m not saying I deserved to be sexually assaulted but that experience opened my eyes. Especially because it happened multiple times with an obsessive ex. You can be sexual all you want but as soon as you say “NO” that’s when the real challenge comes. What happens next? Let us pray for the best.

Being “bad” is dangerous and you’re at risk of being attacked. Good girls get attacked too but bad girls get blamed. My own childhood best friend acted like I was lying about the sexual assault. When you are a “bad” girl, and some one violates you than no one believes you deserve justice or even worse people act as if YOU brought that onto yourself. I became celibate in basic training because I had to address the sexual assault. I promised myself I wouldn’t have sex again! Then as time went on I started thinking about the conditions of my celibacy. I kept thinking to myself “Should I just wait until I’m married or in a serious committed relationship? Maybe I should just wait until I find the right one.”

That’s why my celibacy journey has ended. I can’t decide when I want to have sex but I can do it now if I want to because my mentality about men, sex, relationships and people in general has changed ALOT. I don’t even have a familiar feeling to worry about because its been so long. I also haven’t been sexually assaulted in almost 2 years so that’s GREAT NEWS!

At this point I don’t care about being a “good” girl. As long as I am good to myself and whoever I’m with is good to me and I’m good to them then I’m good with that. If you good, I’m good WE GOOD!

When I went to the WNBA game I saw someone I met in LA. Although I don’t know enough about this guy, he seemed to have the “good guy” quality package. I’m thinking to myself “I wonder why he’s single?” Whenever I see a “good guy” and they’re single, I always wonder why. Same reason why people used to wonder why I was single and celibate. “Why even do that to yourself?” They used to tell me that at the Barbershop I worked at back in Atlanta.

Saving myself doesn’t have anything to do with being a good girl or waiting for a good guy. My celibacy was a test for myself. I wanted to be like my mom, whatever life I was living after losing my virginity was NOT IT.

My mother spirit was very displeased with my behavior and I was tired of getting sexually assaulted too *Disclaimer: celibacy does not prevent sexual assault. It can still happen on your journey

In conclusion, I want to challenge you all on your celibacy journey. Don’t just do it because you want a “good” guy or because you are trying to be a “good” girl. All of that is subjective. You will never be a good person to someone who was bad to you and no matter how bad someone treated you, why choose to see the “good” in them if it made YOU feel bad about yourself. Just be YOU and be SELFISH if you have to. Good guys and good girls have one thing in common I noticed: they both get taken advantage of because of how “good” they are. That’s why I started listening to Drake after “NICE FOR WHAT?”

With love, be good to those who are good to you. If loving yourself or doing whatever TF you want, doing whatever makes you FEEL GOOD or brings you happiness means you’re a “bad” person than be A BAD ASS!

Reminder this summer when a dusty told me I wasn’t a “good person” because I never took a man out on a date. I LAUGHED! It’s funny because being a woman with no standards and paying for a man to take them out is not being a good person. I believe that’s being what Shera Seven calls a Pickmeisha

I AM NOT HER.

SPRINKLE SPRINKLE

Love Always,

Malon Mahotiere