4/11-Last week of Ramadan-Inner child healing-Domestic Violence

Grand Awakening to my Royal family! It is the last week of Ramadan. I participate to honor my mother Rahmatoullahy but this time I was focusing on my father Sauveur and Uncle Cami. My father’s birthday was 4/11 and his brother on 4/15. Both of them are in heaven together. Losing my Uncle was very tough for me because of how I grew up. I didn’t have the proper male guidance in my life and I was deprived of that emotional bond with my Uncle Cami. During Ramadan this year, I took it as a way for me to heal and reflect. Losing my father at age 1 has made me a candidate for the “daddy issues” campaign. I used Ramadan to reflect on my healing journey and the transition I am making. Today I’m officially moving out and planning to start the next chapter of my journey.

This Waist bead season I will be celebrating 1 year since moving to Los Angeles. Although I have been to Los Angeles plenty times before moving. This summer will be different than any vacation I’ve taken here.

Before I celebrate, I think its important for me to reflect and focus on recovery and healing. The things I’ve experienced as a result of moving out here to Los Angeles has changed my perception of life forever. I don’t think I will ever be the same woman and that’s okay. No shade to myself but I didn’t really like who I was before. This has nothing to do with self love. You can love yourself and still not like certain things about yourself.

As long as you don’t self loathe in it but rather self reflect and figure out how you can be better. To be transparent, the things I disliked the most about myself were my people pleasing tendencies, always feeling like I wasn’t good enough for certain people, not having the courage to defend myself when feeling violated, and the lack of boundaries in my life.

When I moved into my first place in Los Angeles, I was excited and elated to finally have a roof over my head. I think we can all agree that dealing with homelessness can cause an extreme amount of stress to one’s life. Having a roof over your head is an underrated blessing. I felt blessed with shelter. After sleeping in shelters, hotels, Air BnB’s and dorms, I was grateful to be in a space with my own room and a kitchen to use.

However things took a turn for the left when I started having roommate problems. Always be specific in your prayers because God has a sense of humor. The last couple of years I felt I was ready to be in a relationship.

After being single and celibate for over 8 years, dating men felt like a distraction. Because I wasn’t healed, I was choosing the wrong men to date. For many years I decided to just keep focusing on myself and career. Once I got to a point where I felt self sufficient in my career, I started praying for better men to enter my life. God answered that prayer

If we are comparing the men that used to be attracted to me vs the men who are attracted to me now, it is a clear reflection of the inner healing work that I’ve done. Although I may be attracting better men, I still have unhealed trauma that will attract men in my life that do not reflect what I want in my life. God had to show me both sides of the spectrum for me to fully absorb and evaluate myself and what I truly deserve and desire.

I have never lived with a man before. After this horrid roommate experience with a man, I had to accept that God answered my prayers but I was not specific. I said I wanted to live with a man so I know how it feels. A lot of women live with their partners, boyfriends, and husbands. It seemed like a common thing when a serious relationship is happening. I wanted to take that next step when it comes to relationships with men. This is after I assessed that I do not want a relationship with just anyone, I want a partnership. Someone that I can do more with than just living together. Do business, travel, and build an empire together is ideal.

Now that I have gotten more specific, I can acknowledge what God has shown me in the last 6 months. Living with this intolerable roommate showed how much of the inner child in me had not been healed. I some how found myself scared to leave my room, go in the kitchen, go to the bathroom because I was afraid of running into what I would describe as “The Devil.” Now what is interesting is how familiar this feeling was. I thought to myself “When have I felt this before?” As I started writing my book, that’s when it occurred to me. I was reliving my childhood all over again. With that recognition I knew I was being forced to look deeper into my healing journey. I took a break from writing my book because of how entrapped I felt. It was as if the little girl in me was back and the adult was too afraid to come back. Feeling helpless and defenseless, the little girl started panicking. She felt stuck and that no one would save her.

That’s when it clicked to me! In order to heal the inner child in you, YOU have to be their hero. For a second, I forgot that I am still responsible for being my own hero. Yes I may want a loving and supportive relationship with a man but that can only happen once I have saved myself from my own inner wounds. It is no one else’s responsibility to heal you. You are responsible for your own healing and after doing the work, others will come and help you along the way. You won’t have to do ALL the healing.

In the end, I did defend the little girl inside me by calling the police to report the harassment, mistreatment, and verbal abuse I was experiencing not to mention my genuine concern for safety. Thankfully the police were on my side and encouraged me to leave as soon as possible. I am grateful for my friend Christian who came to help me out of that situation. Again, your healing journey will not always be lonely.

People will help. Once you reach a certain point in your healing, you can’t rely solely on yourself. More importantly, people are willing to help those who are capable of helping themselves. Healing is not something that happens overnight but it starts with a thought. It starts with acknowledging where your wounds are and how they are effecting your current life. It requires you to be accountable and accept yourself.

I am happy to be moving out of this toxic living environment. I do not know where my spiritual guides will take me but I am sure I will be fine. Now that I have had this experience I know exactly what I do not want.

What I do know is that I am proud of myself for acknowledging the little girl in me was still silently suffering. I’m glad I was able to ensure her.

I had to defend her by any means necessary. Calling the police for help when I am being attacked is something I would never have the courage to do as a child. I also realize how taboo it is in the black/brown and African American community to get involved with authorities. However, once the police arrived not once but twice to defend me, I was officially left alone. The “Devil” disappeared and hasn’t been around me since.

This taught me a valuable lesson. Defending yourself is not a crime but you will pay for it when you don’t. Healing isn’t something that is meant for others to understand if it is your own personal wounds to heal from. Never underestimate the power of prayer. Please be specific and intentional when asking things for yourself and lastly do not neglect the feelings of the inner child in you. Listen to it and act accordingly!

To women who have experienced Domestic Violence as a child or as an adult, I want you to know that I am with you and I support you getting out of that situation! I am also here to help you heal from the aftermath.

I have faith that one day I will live with a man who is loving and supportive and not toxic or abusive to me.

Thank you so much for letting me share!

I am very excited about the next journey of life.

Love always,

Malon Mahotiere