2024-NO MORE

Greetings! First I want to say Happy New Year to you all! I had the pleasure of bringing in my New Year in New York City. Before I get into that I want to say that this year I am setting the record straight. There’s a lot of things I will no longer be tolerating starting this year and moving forward. Where should I start? Although I spent the 1st day of the year with a loved one, I woke up this morning from a nightmare. PTSD problems. I spent majority of my morning crying. Whenever I have a nightmare it puts me in a bad mood. I tried going to the gym.

Something I realized about myself is that I’m really starting to hate people. I know hate is a strong word but this is a strong emotion that I feel. I used to be a big people person but not anymore. I am no longer giving a fuck about people other than myself with the exception of those I feel are deserving. When I arrived in NYC, I was so excited to be there. I really love New York. Sometimes I wish I would have moved there instead of LA but I cant take it back. New York is a vibe but I can only handle so much of it. When I arrived at my hotel everyone was super cool. I wouldn’t go as far as saying “nice.” They told me a nice spot I should go to not too far to celebrate the New Year. I got ready, went to the location and then left right before 12:00am. I thought I wanted to be social but I changed my mind once I got there. I decided I wanted to enter the New Year by myself. Something I haven’t done since 2020. That year I stayed in the shower until after 12AM. I wanted to enter the year “clean”. Everyone was upset that I wasn’t out to say “Happy New Year” but that was the point. I wanted to go into the year with myself only. Now I am realizing that my brother was on to something when he said I purposely isolate myself. This might be a trauma response. I told myself in the New Year, no more intentional isolation. I’ve gotten so comfortable with being alone that the presence of other people actually upsets me. At this stage in my journey I believe it is a trauma response to something I discovered called “Abandonment depression.”

This whole time I’m thinking I have regular depression until I started reading this book called “The Search for the Real Self": unmasking the personality disorders of our age by James F. Masterson. This book has revealed a lot of information about why psychological depression is different from those who have suffered from severe abandonment wounds. When I think about the person who I used to be compared to who I am now, I am a lot more self aware. I realized that my “toxic” traits are not self serving but more so a false sense of protection. The child who experiences abandonment whether it is through the loss of a parent or the absence of a parent will develop fear of abandonment. To protect themselves from this fear, they will isolate themselves to feel “safe.” The logic is “If I can enjoy being by myself than I won’t be hurt if someone leaves.” The opposite spectrum is being so clingy to a person that you feel lost or helpless when they are no longer in your presence. That helplessness feeling comes from the fear of abandonment. This book has showed me why I am making the right decision to end my celibacy journey. No more celibacy in 2024. The reason why having sex again is important is because its going to force me to build “intimacy” with another person. Another thing that people who suffer from abandonment depression deal with is “avoidance.” They avoid places, people, and anything that recreates the memory of abandonment. I believe this is why I hated being in Atlanta so much.

Since moving back, I’ve actually been having a great time. This made me realize that the problem probably was me all this time. I’m not self blaming to say I am always the problem but I was creating problems with people that weren’t there. Especially when the fire happened, I really didn’t understand what I was going through. Although people wanted to help, I couldn’t accept their help. It was almost as if I was forcing myself to be alone when what I really needed was people to support me through

Once I left Atlanta to live in LA, that was the worst form of isolation I could have ever created for myself. Although I don’t regret it at all. I met some amazing people and I had a great experience. Not every second of my life was great but I learned a lot about myself. I have to say a special Thank you to my manager Michelle, Queen of Press ATL, for always being there for me during that time. No matter what time of the hour or day, Michelle was there encouraging me to come back to Atlanta. I finally gave in once I realized that the people I THOUGHT wanted the best for me actually wanted to keep me down so they could feel better about themselves. The lessons I learned in 2023 showed me why it is important to have boundaries in 2024. Here is my list so far: No more reaching out first.

No more over extending myself for others. No more giving more effort than we are receiving. No more giving energy to those who don’t reciprocate. No more going out of my way to make people feel seen or heard. No more going out of my way to support people who don’t support me. No more loving people who don’t love me. No more dealing with men who have no intention on being what I need. No more accepting less than what I deserve. No more spending money on people or for the sake of it. No more spending money for the approval of others. No more caring for people who could care less about my well being. No more dating men who earn less money than me. No more befriending women who cant take accountability. No more oversharing. No more speaking life into people who have no consideration for me. No more willingly giving positive vibes to just anyone.

This is my way of protecting my peace. I have overextended, overshared, overcompensated, and overlooked so much for other people. I refuse to continue doing that to myself in the New Year and beyond. Being in New York showed me the value of being a “bitch”. It’s for self protection. I’ve been nice for so many years of my life because deep down I wanted to be loved, accepted or appreciated.

Instead I got taken advantage of.

By the grace of God, I was able to find somewhere to stay before the New Year came. After dealing with homelessness for as long as I have, I have no mercy on others. That once so happy people person is gone. This isn’t even my ego talking. I’m putting my ego away until the Summer. For once, I want to be myself and focus on my growth. This part of my journey is requiring me to look deeper.

My alter ego, Slim Shady definitely served the right purpose last year. I don’t know what I would have done if I had to deal with those problems. Now that 2023 is over, I look back and I laugh at all the good and the bad. This year I feel excited because I’m being selfish. More selfish than I have ever been in my entire life. I am also open to dating but not for anyone else but my self. I don’t care if people think I’m a gold digger, sugar baby or prostitute. I refuse to date or even speak to any man who doesn’t plan to do something for me that requires him to spend money. No more spending money for the sake of a man. If a man receives money from me it can only be for the sake of a business transaction. I refuse to spend a dime on anyone else other than myself.

Ending my celibacy journey is probably the biggest decision I made for myself. WE all know how powerful pu$$y is, however I spent so many years trying to be a good girl. I spent all of my 20s “saving myself” for what I thought would be a super hero. In my immature mind I thought I would meet a man who would save me from all of my troubles and make everything better. I realized now as I get closer to turning 30 that the only person that is willing to save you is YOU. I saved myself to be where I am now. I saved myself when no one else wanted to. I saved myself each and every time that I need saving. When I started 2024, I told myself that I will continue to save myself. Today I decided to let go of the dream of a man coming to save you. It ain’t gonna happen! Therefore there’s no need to “save myself” for a man. If I want to have sex with someone it’s because I want to. I’m leaving ALL men in the past and focusing on what’s in store for my future. You cant spell disappointment without MEN. I refuse to put my hope and faith into a man for ANYTHING. I have nothing but hope and faith IN MYSELF to have a tremendous year. My flirty 30 birthday will be on Saturday. A nice man offered to pay for my stay in Miami so I’m going to celebrate there with my only friend. When I get back to Atlanta, I’ll have a party collaboration celebration. I’m not doing the planning, I’m just going to show up. Then I’ll go to Vegas and see if I can get lucky. I gave up on the idea of me having birthday sex.

I hope you all have an amazing 2024! Do not be afraid to create boundaries for yourself! This is part of having love for yourself. If you have to say no more to certain things, don’t hesitate. Saying yes to your self love journey will always be worth it. As I get ready to turn 30, it is my duty to love myself WAY MORE in 2024

Be blessed!

Love always,

Malon Mahotiere