New year new me: same energy

Greetings! Today is the first Waist Bead Wednesday of 2024. My birthday is in 3 more days and I’m turning 30. I thought it was only right to express my current thoughts. Today was a rough day but what can I say? I’m happy to be alive so that’s all that matters. I had yet another night mare last night. When I woke up my whole day was messed up. I was late for my training session but I still showed up. I was late to my first photoshoot of the year but I still showed up. The only thing I was on time for was work. I showed up early. Even though it’s a New Year, I still have the same PTSD. I decided to sign back up for therapy. Every time I wake up from a nightmare I feel irritated. My mind is everywhere else except where I need it to be. I was happy when the lady called me about rejoining therapy. I can appreciate people who understand those who struggle with PTSD. You have to keep trying because it’s not that we don’t need or want the support. Sometimes it is hard to take off the trauma lenses and see life through a mind that hasn’t been traumatized. I guess this is also why I hate people. The way people have used my trauma against me made me despise those who just don’t get it.

I told God to work on my heart because I cannot expect others to have compassion for me if I feel resentful for their privilege. For example the man who offered to pay for my stay for my birthday in Miami. If I was angry at him for his privilege, I might of blocked that blessing. I needed to open my heart to receive people better so I can get the love and support I need. That is why I say this year I am a New me but keep that same energy. Today during my photoshoot I felt better, I got excited about my birthday plans until I realized I would be spending my birthday alone yet again. At first, I just accepted it. Then I started to panic. I thought to myself “Why is the universe always forcing me to be alone?”

I gave up on the fantasy of having birthday sex once I realized I have to be realistic about my new sex life journey. I may have better luck next year. Ending my celibacy journey was something I thought long and hard about. No pun intended. On my journey I realized that my celibacy was rooted in trauma. Was I really being celibate to “save myself” or was this just an excuse for me not to have any intimate connections or relationships with men. Now as I approach my 30th birthday I feel shameful. All of my friends have boyfriends, husbands, or baby daddies yet here I am all ALONE. I have only myself to blame for being so alone. I know there are many men who would love to have sex with me or even be with me in an intimate or romantically involved relationship. However I have been closing myself off from that. My healing journey showed me how I contributed to my loneliness by choosing to become celibate after experiencing sexual trauma. I chose to be “flirty” as oppose to “dirty” for my 30th birthday because I wanted to have a clean slate. The only thing that’s going to be dirty about me is how I play this dating game. It’s giving NO FCKS GIVEN. Maybe people may say I am selfish but I say who cares what people say. No one has to live my reality. When women tried to convince me to remain celibate that’s when I knew I was making the right decision. Keep that same energy for yourself sis. If I could give any advice about my celibacy it is that your mind will be clear as to what you want when it comes to dating and having sex. However, celibacy isn’t an alternative to healing.

To think that celibacy would help me with healing is wild. I want to challenge my beliefs about celibacy. I believe waiting 9 years to have sex again is more than enough time for me to believe I can do it but its not about whether or not you can do celibacy. Right now it’s more about if its what you need. I need intimate connections with people especially men. I need to have sex if I ever want to have children one day. I also need to be aware of how powerful pu$$y is. Like the old saying goes, “You won’t know if you don’t try.” I believe challenging my belief about celibacy by having sex again won’t hinder my journey. It’s not like I am going to have sex with just anyone. I’m not desperate.

Celibacy has shown me that I have what it takes to wait but why wait? What is there to gain from disconnecting myself to having a sexual relationship with a man. The only thing I can think is fear. Fear has the potential to stop you from doing things that you really want. Trauma blocks your mind. Fear based mentality develops from trauma. You’re afraid of getting hurt, you’re afraid of getting sexually assaulted or violated and sometimes you don’t even know what you’re afraid of. I just think at my big ass age of 30, I don’t have time to be afraid of anything. Just the thought of spending yet another birthday alone made me want to cry but I’m tired of that too. I’m tired of being depressed.

Whether it major depression, mild depression or abandonment depression, the goal is NO depression. This is the New mentality I want to have. Why resent people who seem to have happy lives when I can aspire to be like them if I really tried. Yes it is a lot easier said then done but its worth giving a shot. When the year started, I just knew things would be better for me. I still believe 2023 was a great year. 2024 can be a lot more.

Despite being homeless and sleeping in my car, I still met a lot of amazing people and I dated. I didn’t have sex but I could have. I just chose not to. If I have sex this year it’s because I feel the man deserves it or because I want to. I cant predict the circumstances and I cannot make unrealistic expectations. I cant be in denial or delusional. I have to accept the reality that I live and that requires me to accept people for who they are. With having a comfortable bed to sleep in since the New Year started yet waking up from nightmares made me realize something J.Cole said: “I hope you know that the money won’t erase the pain.” I felt that. Just because my living situation is better doesn’t mean my unhealed trauma will magically disappear. There is more work that needs to be done. Isolating myself isn’t intentional. I didn’t plan to celebrate my birthday alone. I have to accept that reality.. As long as I am making an effort to be inclusive than I cant blame myself. If I make the effort to open myself to building intimate relationships with people whether through friendships or relationships than I did my part. If things don’t turn out the way I plan or expected than I just have to understand that’s the reality.

I’m still going to enjoy my birthday in Miami and I am grateful for this person who paid for my stay.

Final thoughts is that I am going to be a new person once I turn 30. I don’t want to be the same woman when I was in my 20s. There’s so much about myself that I didn’t like but I later learned to love. It’s not that I was a bad person but I really didn’t understand my worth or my value as a woman. A lot of people didn’t want me to. Good thing I realized it

If there’s anything I learned from what I experienced last year it is, to keep that same energy. It’s perfectly fine to open yourself to new experiences, new opportunities and new people if that means you are getting closer to building intimacy and further away from intentional isolation. However do not sacrifice your isolation period for the sake of having people around because they are familiar.

Unfamiliarized situations are probably what is the best for yourself. People showed you who they were already. There’s no need to fool yourself because you feel lonely. Keep that same energy.

Be blessed.

Love always,

Malon Mahotiere