Kwanzaa 2023: Day 2- Self Determination

Greetings Royal family! Happy Kwanzaa! Today is also Waist Bead Wednesday! Although the Kwanzaa Holiday started yesterday, I decided to share my thoughts about today for #WaistbeadWednesday. Merry late Christmas by the way. I wasn’t a grinch this year but I was so happy once the Holiday was over. I didn’t get anything physical but I received messages from loved ones. I can appreciate that. I spoke to my good sis Michelle, Queen of Press ATL, for a few hours. We spoke for over an hour before realizing we didn’t say Merry Christmas to one another. That’s how much I wasn’t in the spirit. I was just happy to be sleeping in a bed instead of my car. Part of me moving back to Atlanta was so I could get my life back on the right track. That’s what I want to talk about in honor of Day 2 of Kwanzaa: Self Determination. I am determined to get myself in a better position. I am aware that it won’t take days or weeks but I am giving myself however many months. 2024 is in less than a week. I have never been so excited to start a year. I feel good about 2024. Me and Michelle both agreed that this year is going to be a good one for the both of us. What is interesting is her thought process. Michelle says “I feel like as soon as I’m ready to be back outside, yo ass gonna be in the house not wanting to go no where.” I laughed. She is absolutely right. If there is anything I learned from my struggles in 2023, it is the value of privacy. Today when I spoke to Michelle we had another conversation about trust and people. A lot of people gained my trust this year but a lot of people I really don’t mind never seeing or speaking to again. After being in such a vulnerable place in my life, I trusted a lot of women with my vulnerability. I am not ashamed to say this was the best worst year of my life. I had way more high moments to focus on the low moments but I would be lying to myself if I said I didn’t have a low vibration. Sometimes it’s not always about what you’re going through that matters. People can sense when you have good energy. Regardless of however “low” I felt my vibration was, I still had high positive energy. My energy was so high that some may say I was borderline delusional. No one else has to live my reality. That’s the part that people forget.

This year I was determined to not look like what I was going through. My self love journey took a different direction once I moved to LA. Leaving Atlanta was exactly what I needed to do but its funny that I ended up right back in the same place. I am determined to get myself a big ass house in Lithonia. This homelessness BS is ending in 2024. I cant take it anymore! My apartment burned down 2 years ago and I remember how distraught I was. Now I look at that experience as one of the biggest blessings in disguise. It ultimately made me a stronger person and more spiritually connected. I am determined to provide myself the life I deserve. When I moved to LA, I don’t know why that idea made sense in my head. Today at work I was watching ESPN and a commentator said something interesting. He said “LA is the place people move to when they think they’re too good for their hometown.” As soon as he said that, I bust out laughing! He’s right! That was definitely me. I have absolutely no regrets about moving to LA for a year and a half. In fact, I plan to go back but not to live there. I would never live there again unless it was short term for school. LA is like Atlanta on steroids.

What I had to understand is that by me moving to LA out of desperation was the exact move I needed to make in order for things to be how I needed now especially in my own home town. I never felt so happy to be back. The funny part is that people don’t really even know I’m here. If you don’t know now you know. If you know you know: Silence is golden. If there is anything I learned this year, it is the power of shutting the heck up! One bad habit I used to have was oversharing but I learned my lesson. I no longer volunteer information about my personal life or professional life. I learned this after all the betrayal I experienced from people who were once very close to me. I’ll start with my relatives. I have one brother that is blocked and another brother that I just keep my distance from. When I told my brother about me sleeping in my car and everything I was going through in LA, I regretted it after our last hang out. Not only did he threaten to kick me out of his car but the words he said infuriated me. “Shut up before I make you get out my car and leave you out here in the streets.”

My brother is blocked and I refuse to go into 2024 with that type of negativity. That day I gathered my things from his car and put myself out in the streets after cursing him out. Michelle was on the phone. “I feel like every time you’re around your brother he disrupts your spirit like your spirit be crying.” My brother crashed my car while I was in LA because I was foolish enough to leave him with it. I had a nice little all black Infiniti GONE. I didn’t talk to him for over a year. I’m glad he survived but I really wish he would take the steps my other brother is taking to be sober. When I finally talked to my brother again, I don’t know why I did that. I guess I just missed talking to someone familiar. Nothing I said ever mattered. I told him about my hip problem and he tried to make light of it. I explained how the child abuse I experienced from my legal guardian starting at age 4 is one of the reason why my hips are messed up now. His response is “But you got African hips, you’ll be aight.” That doesn’t diminish the pain I feel. There were times my brother would call me in LA right before falling asleep in my car just to argue with me about what I experienced. I would go to sleep crying in my car. What a nightmare that was. The last time he spoke to me was to tell me that he finally cut off our legal guardian. I cut that man off after turning 25 and passing my cosmetology tests to get my license. As hard as it was, I knew I had to cut him completely out of my life and I advised my brothers to do the same. I was determined to get my family back on the right track. Yet my brother thought it would be a good idea to still remain in contact with him. He’s the reason I was even homeless right before my apartment burned down. The betrayal I experienced from my brother hurt me to the core.

My other brother is getting sober for the sake of his unborn child. I am very proud of him. Growing up around alcoholics traumatized me. I would hate to bring children into that trauma. I’m glad my brother is getting help and has the support he needs to continue his sobriety. We still don’t know the whereabouts of his baby mama but I’m sure she will pop up eventually. That was another reason why I had to come home. When he told me he got a girl pregnant while I was in LA I was so upset! Then he had the nerve to blame me! “Well you said I need to take my life more seriously and have a family.” That was his excuse. All I said was our cousins were having babies and we need to get ourselves ready to have children of our own. I never said get your girl pregnant while we all still homeless. I am determined to make sure that child doesn’t grow up the way we did but it’s already off to that start. At least I have 1 brother I can still communicate with.

One of my biggest spiritual awakenings was releasing the burden of my mothers absence for my brothers. I look so much like my mother that I embodied her. For many years of my life, I felt the need to be the “mother” for my brothers. Even though I am the youngest, they didn’t have a mother figure around to show them the way. Somehow I inherited that energy. I would worry for them like a mother. Through healing work I released that energetic wound. I have boundaries now. I pray for my brothers. I was determined not to carry that burden for myself. I got my own kids to worry about and I need my brothers to be okay enough to care after them too if I need their help. I learned the power of being a woman. For some reason, I learned a lot about being a mother by not having a mother. Being the only woman in some men’s life including my brothers that gave them positive reenforcement made me realize how different I am from a lot of women. I met a lot of women this year and it made me think of a caption I saw on an instagram troll account. Caption reads “I saw a dog give birth but that didn’t make it a mother.” Some women don’t have a maternal bone in their body, they just carry the reproductive organ.

Between my sister, my cousins and females that I tried to befriend I realize what it means to be a toxic mother. My sister was the first example I saw of that. I helped raise her kids when I was just a kid. I regret being vulnerable with her and telling her my living situation. She refused to help me but I wasn’t surprised. She’s always been a hater. My cousin agreed to let me live with her but then flaked. Seeing how other women handles motherhood, I am determined to make sure I never act like them when I become a mom. Motherhood really isn’t for a lot of women. I learned that this year. You have to really WANT to be a mother. I always wanted to be a mother just because I missed mine so much.

Being homeless for what now feels like a full pregnancy made me change my entire perspective on life. Now everything I think about is for my own family. I am determined to make sure my children don’t have the life I did. I am determined to create a life for myself that encourages a safe space to have children. The biggest thing about being a mother is trust. That’s what I talked to Michelle about. “People really aint sh!t” This may be true but I cannot say all women are that way. I’ve seen some women be great mothers to their children. I have friends who party and have fun but still take care of their kids. I literally cannot be friends with women who are terrible mothers. I can go on but I cant speak too much on it since I am not a mother yet. I am determined to never be like the horrible mothers I see. I’m not here to ignore the fact that being a mother is hard or challenging. I think about it more often than I should. I am determined to continue working on myself until I feel I am ready for kids. Although, you can never fully be ready. All you can do is prepare for anything to happen. As I go into 2024, I realize why I cant speak to certain family members. It isn’t because of me, its because of my children. I have to think to myself “Do I want this person around my child?” What if they try to traumatize my kid with my trauma. There is a way I want to be a parent. I hate how people use my trauma against me. I am determined to make sure my child doesnt grow up the way I did but what if someone is jealous of my kid? People were jealous of me before I could even talk. I am not absurd for having this concern. There’s a level of protection I will have naturally as a mother but there’s also preparation that can happen. If I cut people off now than I can be private about my pregnancy when it happens. It may seem selfish but I cant risk it. I told Michelle, “It is okay to trust people to be who they are.” My family showed me who they are. As long as I am present than I have no problem with my child being around them. I won’t be able to be present for every second of my Childs life. That doesn’t mean I cant remove people out of my life now

In conclusion, I will say that the last days of 2023 are allowing me to maintain my privacy. People know enough about my trauma, my pain, my struggles and my adversities. It is time to transform them into something more powerful. As hurt as I was in the past does not compare to the happiness I feel now. This year was truly amazing for me. I didn’t love every second but I loved so much. The good outweighs the bad. What did it for me was when I realized how many people truly didn’t want happiness for me. After everything I experienced, I still managed to make my self open to dating. I was determined to not allow myself to stay broken. Being a barber changed my entire perception on men and I am grateful for that shift. I really hated men with a passion for years. Other men could tell.

I met some amazing men this year and realized that my celibacy journey has to officially end if I ever want to get married, get pregnant and/or have a family. After dating so many guys without having sex with them, I realized I was healed from sexual assault. There are men who have self control. There are men who can accept the word NO. Sometimes I get nervous when I’m dating because I wonder by the end of the date “Am I gonna get sexually assaulted tonight?” I can gladly say that I wasn’t sexually assaulted at all this year. Even though I wasn’t willing to have sex, none of the guys I went out with took advantage of me. I would say that’s huge progress for me. What made me end my celibacy journey was when I realized how sexually attracted I was to this one guy I know. Too bad this isn’t just any regular guy. I know for a fact that many other women probably feel the same way. Things like that don’t bother me because men make up fake relationships and fantasies in their head about me with them all the time. It’s not right but it’s okay. I shouldn’t be mad at other women for being attracted to my man just like my man shouldn’t be mad at other men for being attracted to me. It is human nature. After careful consideration I just decided to end my celibacy.

I’ve officially been celibate for 9 years. I am determined to have sex in 2024 for my self love journey. I DESERVE IT but I refuse to have sex with just anyone. It has to be that one special guy. Preferably the one that caught my eye in July. I didn’t find out his name was Tyrone until weeks after I saw him. I made the silly mistake of telling the people closest to me. I thought they would be happy for me but I was wrong. I thought my people would be happy that I was open to having sex again. I WAS WRONG. In my mind, I’m thinking “They couldn’t possibly think I was going to be celibate forever.” I was going to have sex eventually so why not let it be with someone I’m actually attracted to. That’s when I realized how much misery truly loved company. The only person that seemed to be happy for me about seeing a guy I actually LIKE was my brothers. Too bad one of them is blocked. The other brother just calls me every Sunday to “check on me” and give me some inspiration or motivation. He started sending me videos on Youtube of Kobe Bryant for motivation. I didn’t go as far as telling my brothers any details.

The fact that I didn’t disclose anything to my brother about me and Tyrone yet he was the main one who seemed to be happy for me is very telling. I didn’t even tell him much. I’m convinced that people wanted me to remain celibate forever. Well I cant do that.. I am determined to have sex again just for my self. I need to remember what it feels like. I forgot what it feels like to even like somebody. I forgot what it felt like to date until I started dating this year. Too bad I didn’t like any of those guys. The only guy I am truly interested in is Tyrone. There’s only one problem. I cant date Tyrone like I date other guys. He’s not the same as other guys. He’s a special type of person to say the least. Once things started to go into another direction, I knew it was time to shut up talking to people about me and him. The people I used to talk about him to weren't that supportive of the idea of me dating him anyway. I didn’t even care to know why. Women are weird when it comes to men. I refuse to talk to my brother about dating like I talk to my homegirls.

Although I am open to having sex again. I have to take precautions. I have to get to know Tyrone first. What I am willing to do is be open to the idea and just see what happens. He should be happy that he’s the only person that I’m interested in being sexual with. However I am very sensitive to other people’s thoughts, feelings and emotions once I start to like them. Sex has the potential to make or break a relationship and/or friendship. Its best to play it safe. If I had to call this stage we are in it would be “What are we?” It’s giving confusion.

With all that being said I am determined to focus on myself but also I am determined to have a happy healthy sex life for myself because I deserve it. I repeat I deserve it because people seem to believe otherwise. That’s why I decided to be more private in 2024. There’s no way in hell I would tell anyone ..

I’m sure there are plenty women who may be happy for me reaching this point in my journey. I’ve been talking to women about them starting their own celibacy journey. 9 years is a long damn time. Women who are at their year 2 or 3 mark make me realize what an accomplishment this was for me by commending me. However as soon as I talk about having sex again, they sing a different tune. I don’t like that energy. Actually I get irritated when they try to convince me to stay celibate. POR QUOI!? One friend said, “What if you have sex and that person never talks to you again?” I laughed and replied “Oh well. That’s on him.” I cant predict the future. All I know is I served my time locking up my vagina.

I keep encouraging women to save themselves for the right one but I ask that you all don’t try to discourage me from having sex. MY CELIBACY JOURNEY IS OVER! At first I was determined to have birthday sex but my birthday is around the corner. Now I’m just determined to have fun on my birthday whether it is alone or with Tyrone, who knows? I wanted to throw a birthday party and a part of me still does but I’m willing to wait. There are a lot of people who want to relate to me but I cant relate to them. I am so different now after this year.

Last thing I have to acknowledge is the level of self awareness that comes from celibacy. It’s almost as if my mind has been free from a lot of unwanted mess and I love that for myself. The celibacy journey was much needed for my healing. I feel spiritually, emotionally and physically cleansed. If I decide to open myself to date exclusively, have sex or just have fun and things don’t workout than that’s my choice. Why dwell on the negative? What if things go perfectly fine. I rebuke other people’s projection. How come no one hopes for the best when it comes to me having sex again? I’m tired of the fake fears and other people’s doubt. I will never know unless I try and I believe I have the right guy. I’m just happy to be in this mental space.

If no one else is happy for me being at this place in my life, then I am still happy for me regardless. That’s all that really matters anyways. I am determined to keep the happiness to myself.

If I do decide to have sex, I’m not sure when, where or how it will happen so I’m just going to remain private until it does. If and/or when it does happen, I am making it very clear that it is still my own personal choice to do so. Thanks for the concerns

I’ll take my chances.

I encourage anyone who wants to really transform themselves to commit to a celibacy journey. Be determined to save yourself for someone worthy instead of wasting your energy on meaningless sex.

Use me as motivation but also understand that my journey may not be the same as yours. Either way

GOOD LUCK!

Happy Kwanzaa

Love Always,

Malon Mahotiere