Greetings! Happy Waist Bead Wednesday! I am finally back in America. I cannot express how badly I want to go home. Going on vacation and having a home to come back to is an underrated blessing. I spent the past week in Colombia. I left last week around this time. I remember preparing for this trip.

So lets get into it! First of all I want to say shoutout to all the PISCES out there! Shoutout to mon frere Serdarius Blain and Top Shelf Getaways for yet another life changing experience. Where do I start? Colombia had me in a chokehold, literally. I wish I was joking. I’m still recovering from it all. What I can say is that I have absolutely no regrets. As for the money I spent, lets just say it was well worth it.

Right now I have a layover in New York. This is the last place I want to be after the weekend I had. However it was significant to me because I just ended a “situationship” with a “celebrity” from New York. When I found out I had to layover in New York I was irritated but when I had to get my flight changed to a later time I became hysterical.

Eventually I calmed down. Being in New York brings unwanted memories of that person. What calmed my nerves was looking at content from my trip. Prior to this trip I experienced a breakup in January with a guy I was talking to but I won’t say who. I made a promise to myself when I got my Cosmetology license at 25 that if I was going to date a guy, he could not be regular. I cant date regular guys because I am not a regular girl. Fast forward, 5 years later and I feel I’ve stuck to my word. The guys I attract just keep getting better and better however, I was loved bombed this year. I always would hear the girls talk about it but I never knew

According to the text in Wikipedia: Love bombing is described as an attempt to influence a person with demonstrations of attention and affection. It can be used in different ways for either positive or negative purposes. Psychologists have identified love bombing as a possible part of a cycle of abuse.

I titled this blog March Madness for two reasons- 1. This month been giving madness for me already 2. I am only dating ballers from now on. When I say ballers I am not referring to any NBA players. For me a baller is any man that can really “Ball out” which can have several different connotations.

When I was younger I was super attracted to basketball players. Now that I am a lot older and more mature I’ve opened my preference to other types of guys. I like guys who can provide and that doesn’t always mean money. Any man that has the means to provide you with something to better your self or life is a baller. A baller can be anyone even if he doesnt play professional ball. Here’s Urban Dictionary definition: Someone who started out from the bottom and have now made it to the top. My mantra for this Colombia trip was “At the top it’s just us!” The guys in Top Shelf were definitely giving baller like energy even if they don’t have basketball skills. Urban Dictionary describes “baller” as a person who has come into money and spends it extravagantly like a rich athlete. The guys were definitely giving that type of energy. So the correct answer is: Yes you can be a baller and NOT be affiliated with the NBA or play professional ball.

This month started off mad because I was still upset over Valentines Day but I am officially over it. I’m like Summer Walker. We are moving on and moving forward. I have faith that my Valentines Day next year will be much better! Whatever I wanted to experience for Valentines Day, I was able to make up for in Colombia. When I think about being “love bombed” I have to understand how effective that can be on someone’s life. Positive or negative.

Love bombing can happen to anyone. I feel that I was love bombed this weekend in Colombia but in a positive way. Also I feel that I may have love bombed other people but I do not believe it will have any negative effects. Love bombing isn’t always negative just like madness doesnt necessarily mean anger. I received so much love.

Some of the love I received were from people I already knew or complete strangers. Serdarius Blain deserves an award for what he put together for that Colombia trip. I cant stop thinking about how much love was shared and shown. It was definitely overwhelming but in a positive way. When you get love bombed in a negative way, it may associate with negative emotions that are repressed.. For me it was abandonment depression. This is something I didn’t even know I was dealing with until I decided to pick up a book and read. I discovered how badly I was effected emotionally because of the abandonment wounds I had from childhood. From my parents dying, to my aunt leaving once I became a teenager to my legal guardian always leaving me in the house by myself.

This weekend showed me how triggered I am whenever I have fear of experiencing abandonment. I wish I could just get over my “abandonment” wounds but this is another series in my journey. Although I felt triggered at times, I was always reassured that I wasn’t going to get “left”. At some point in the trip, everyone did leave to attend an event. I missed it from sleeping but when I woke up and noticed everyone was gone I got nervous. I went downstairs to figure out where everyone was.

The Colombian people were the most gracious, thoughtful people I ever experienced being around. They were always so helpful and available. When I got downstairs to ask where everyone was, they told me that they would be back shortly. I didn’t even wait for them to arrive. I just went in my room and processed my thoughts and emotions. I had to ask myself “Why am I afraid of being left behind?”

After sitting alone in my hotel, I realized my abandonment wounds can be healed through constant reassurance. I received that. I know that healing is a process but I did uncover a lot of deep rooted issues from that trip. I came back feeling a lot lighter and less emotionally heavy. I needed that.

Over time I had to convince myself that no one is “leaving” me behind and everything will be just fine and after awhile I really started to believe that. I have to say Thank you to the guys that were on this trip. My sis Jeanie called the men in the TSG group “eye candy” but I would like to argue that the men were more than just “eye candy”. These men were soul food. They were feeding my soul on this trip.

From the first night, I was invited out even though I was sick. By the way, when I said Colombia had me in a chokehold, I was not exaggerating. My throat hurts so bad. I haven’t eaten in days because it hurts to swallow. I got stuck in Colombia longer than I anticipated because they wouldn’t let me board my flight I was so sick. They were right. This trip made me die and come back to life but I have no regrets about it. The first night I was safe. Every night after that I was safe but the trip was madness.

There was so much going on and so many people. I cant really share. You had to be there. Great conversations took place. Love was present and I felt gifted. A lot of celebrities came out there to Colombia. I got to party with some rockstars. Sevyn Streeter, Natalie La Rose, Tyla Yaweh and Mr. Birthday Sex himself, Jeremih performed at a private yacht party on what was supposed to be MY last night of the trip. WE had such a great night!

What was so interesting is how I kept saying I wanted “Birthday sex” for my Flirty 30 birthday and then BOOM! I meet Mr. Birthday Sex himself. I was speaking figuratively but the universe made it literal. I didn’t just meet him either, I had my moment for life. Even though he was there to perform for Serdarius birthday, I decided to take full advantage of that moment and make myself believe I was celebrating MY Flirty 30 birthday all over again.

What I felt during that performance was liberating. Then afterwards we all went and partied at their mansion. My favorite part of the night was singing in the hot tub with the beautiful Sevyn Streeter. My only regret and concern was how much I drank.. It was MADNESS. I am at a point where I don’t want to drink again for a very long time. Later that night, I remember them asking me to stay but I was too drunk to remember what happened afterwards.

I woke up the next morning dazed and confused but I was safe. I kept thinking to myself “What the hell did I say last night? What did I do? Did I make a fool of myself? Was I doing too much?” These intrusive thoughts eventually went away once I blamed it on the alcohol. I cant control what already happened. I was just glad I was able to experience that for what was supposed to be my last night.

When I finally did wake up, everyone else was still asleep. It doesn’t matter how drunk I get, I still always wake up with the birds in the sky. I decided to take advantage of their steam room and jacuzzi. When it was time to head to the airport, that’s when things really became MADNESS. The steam room was a vibe and so was the jacuzzi but apparently you’re not supposed to say in that too long.

According to my other brother, I should have only stayed no more than 30 minutes. I was in there for hours until I finally left quietly. Once I got to the airport, I had 1 Bloody Mary and that was the death. Words cant describe what I was feeling. I don’t want to sound disgusting but I ended up throwing up.

All that alcohol I drank, I threw it back up and trust me I drank ALOT. At some point, it got so bad that I almost started choking. I was becoming dehydrated to the point that I had to get a fluid bag stuck in me to rehydrate myself. I couldn’t even walk because I was in so much pain. They Colombian airport people had to wheel me around in a wheel chair. When I got denied entry it was because they said I was in “poor health”. I stayed 4-5 hours in a hospital at the airport. They told me I had to wait until the next day to fly so I stayed another day. Thank God, Serdarius and his crew were having a guys night out so I was able to rest while they were outside.

All I can say is that I had my moment for life. I experienced a breakthrough of realization of my abandonment depression and I was able to recover from the previous love bombing I experienced that had a negative effect on me. Top Shelf Getaways love bombed me in a way that had a positive effect.

As sick as I was and as drunk as I got, I still felt the love in a judgement free environment. Each time I took the “risk” to go out, I came back unharmed. I have no regrets. My only regret is that I wish I could remember things better. Everything was such a blur

but we had a blast! JUST STRAIGHT MADNESS

Special thank you to Serdarius Blain, Sevyn Streeter, Natalie La Rose and of course Mr. Birthday Sex himself for this life time of an experience that I will never forget. I felt honored to party with them :)

P.S. This weekend trip makes 9 years since I decided to be celibate back in 2015 during my basic military training. I went on the trip with the 4 condoms I receieved from the hotel I celebrated my Flirty 30 birthday in Miami. I left the trip with 4 condoms. How many times do you think I had sex?

I don’t kiss and tell but think about it.

Take a second.

Thanks for letting me share!

-Malon Mahotiere