Trauma bonds: Trauma Queen

Greetings! I could not let the day go by without expressing my thoughts. Lets get into it. I wanted to talk about this for awhile but I had to wait until I was good and ready. Also I wanted to express my thoughts out loud before I could formulate it better. As we approach Veterans Day this weekend, I want to get some things off my chest. Two things I am sick and tired of. Number 1: I’m tired of people weaponizing the word TRAUMA. Number 2: I’m tired of people making a mockery of having PTSD.

People make a mockery of trauma and PTSD because of how sensational it is. To me it is sick but I’ve lived this long to know that if you don’t heal yourself, you will become more ill from this sickness. Every one likes to talk about how “traumatized” they felt by things that really aren’t that deep. Like for example when women get cheated on or a relationship doesnt work out. Here comes the fake cry. When I hear people say they were traumatized by something or someone, I start evaluating. “Is this some kind of sick cruel joke?” It’s almost as if people learned the word trauma and decided to play it over and over because it sounded good. Now lets talk about PTSD, that is a REAL thing. PTSD stands for post traumatic stress disorder. Key word is TRAUMATIC. Therefore when you experience a certain level of trauma there is a good chance you will develop PTSD. I would consider myself a TRAUMA QUEEN. I no longer want a relationship with my trauma. I’ve mastered the art of separating myself from my trauma in order to get to the bottom of things. When I started writing my book, that was the first step towards dissociation. I had to write as if I was myself outside of my pain to share my perspective.

There’s a book called The Power of Now and A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle that changed my perception. Books have helped me a lot on my healing journey. If anyone says “Reading is boring” just know that you are amongst someone who is not afraid to be stupid. Stupidity is contagious. Never willingly surround yourself with idiots. It can be damaging to your brain. If you’ve been traumatized, your brain is automatically wired different. Your brain changes after trauma. People don’t always handle trauma as well as others. That’s why I call myself a TRAUMA QUEEN. The amount of trauma I experienced yet still manage to be the person that I am today is commendable. Yet, people resent me. Glorifying trauma is part of the problem. Black women always get glorified for their strength but no one seems to care when they are in pain. I experienced this firsthand. Its a conditioning. Since I was a kid, no one ever cared about how I was feeling or what I may struggle with once I got older. They sat back and watched me grow up into something they could never be. With all the trauma and abuse, I still turned out better than a lot of you spoon fed air heads. That’s why I refuse to allow people to say they’ve been traumatized without going through a full evaluation. PROVE IT. Show me your pain.

Since everyone wants to glorify trauma, show me what you went through. Show me how it changed you. Show me how you had to come from the bottom to get yourself back on top BUT WAIT, you cant. WHY? Because that wasn’t trauma. That was called life experiences. Perhaps you’re ego driven. When people experience emotional hardship they want to label it as TRAUMA. Let me tell you some of the traumas I experienced and why I could never compare that to troubled emotional relationships. Age 1- parents died in front of my eyes. Age 3 and 4- Homeless- child abuse starts Age 6- Witnessing alcohol abuse from adults Age 7-9- more domestic violence Age 10 ran away child abuse Age 13- teenage abuse. If yall ever read the book “A child called IT”, that was pretty much my life. When I became a bigger teenager I started fighting back. Physical abuse finally stopped at age 15. Then Age 16- I got hit by a car. Once I became an adult: homelessness again, sexual assault, apartment fire. ALL of these things would be considered traumatic experiences to a licensed professional. I’m just too smart to deal with therapy. I hate when people try to use my trauma against me. Therapy was cool until it wasn’t. I’ll never forget when I had a therapist for intimacy. I told her “I feel disconnected from men like I don’t engage in relationships like I used to.” That lady told me to my face “Well I don’t see why that would be a problem for you.” That was when I realized that it doesnt matter what you've been through. What you see is what you get. No matter how fine I look, and trust me I know I’m fine, no one will ever believe the amount of pain you have endured because they think “She looks fine to me”. I always think of my mother saying to me as a baby. “Hi Malon, how are you? Say fine. Say FINNNNNNNE.” Even my own brother can’t believe the pain I feel.

With all the trauma I mentioned, I still managed to be FINE. I’m alive, I’m well. I’m happy with that. My hips aren’t great but they’re getting better. I spoke to my brother today but I had to rush him off the phone. I decided to unblock him but I think I should stop answering his phone calls. Every time he calls me we end up arguing about who went through what. I don’t want to TRAUMA BOND!

That’s the next point. I have taken the conscious effort to heal from all the pain I experienced. Some of it was on my own, some of it was GOD. Like when I was hit by a car at 16, it is a BLESSING that I only had a swollen face and a crooked nose from that accident. My legal guardian never had health insurance for us so I couldn’t get the medical attention I needed. All I know is I didn’t have any broken bones except a slight fracture in my face. I had bruises on my legs and feet but that all went away. The car hit me so hard that my Ed Hardy shoe fell off. I remember being in the hospital and I didn’t want them to touch my waist beads. My childhood best friend at the time was with me. I remember hearing my mothers voice that night. Getting hit by that car was definitely traumatic.

I’m not hear to say experiencing trauma should be glorified but what is everyones obsession with it? When people talk about me, part of what they are interested in is my trauma. When I would start school, everyone would know about my life. Everyone knew I was an orphan. I never let that stop me. What people would try and do is use it against me. They would say “Oh she’s like this because she doesn’t have parents.” I have never used my trauma as an excuse. So this is my thoughts, “If that’s the case, then what is your excuse?” If trauma is the reason why I am the way I am, why do you SUCK? Hurt people hurt people? WRONG. I’ve been hurt. I've been betrayed. I’ve been through so much. Does that give me the OKAY to be a predator, abuser, or attack and belittle people? Once upon a time I would attack people if I felt offended. When I feel the need to defend myself, I take it overboard. When I joined the military I realized that I can only fight in defense. Military personnel are trained to kill. No one ever defended me. Once I gained the courage to defend myself and this nation, I said “With great power comes great responsibility.” I would never attack people out of anger like I used to.

If I ever feel the need to defend myself, I will use words or the court of law. I’m a disabled veteran. There’s no need to defend anything. I’m what they call a wounded warrior. My battles are over. Spiritual warfare is what I’m up against. That’s why I gotta shift back to trauma bonds. I trauma bond ALOT. Way more than I probably should. I believe trauma bonds are not bad if you are both healing. What is destructive is when you have a trauma bond with someone who has not decided to heal yet. When you are healed from your trauma, you will trigger those still hurting. As the Queen of overcoming Trauma, I realized what was happening. My trauma bonds were breaking the more I started healing. I feel like I’m still healing. Healing isn’t something that just stops. You have to get to different levels of it. Shera Seven gives great advice, HOWEVER I would not recommend her channel to any woman who is still suffering from severe trauma. I don’t care WHAT happened in relationships, CHEATING IS NOT TRAUMATIZING! When you get cheated on, you need to look at your relationship and figure out why your partner felt the need to do that. You need to look at yourself and ask if this relationship is worth it to yourself or not. THAT IS NOT TRAUMA.

Circumstances can happen to anyone. I listed my trauma yet I can say that I’ve never been cheated on. If a man cheated on me, he was smart enough to make sure I never found out. Now women have definitely tried to have sex with my boyfriend or “steal” my man after I already left the relationship but none of that is trauma. Those were just life experiences. How could anyone compare life altering traumatic experiences to interpersonal relationships? Unless that person physically or emotionally abused you to the point where it altered your reality then it is not trauma. Going back to Eckhart Tolle’s book A New Earth, he talks about the EGO and how people operate from it. He also talks about the PAIN BODY and how people operate from that. Yes ego can protect one after being traumatized but having an EGO doesnt equate to trauma. Meaning if your EGO was bruised, respectfully you’ll live. You weren’t traumatized. Just stop smelling your sh!t for a second and focus on other things in this world. The only exception here is domestic violence.

Domestic Violence is definitely traumatic. That is common in relationships which can be traumatizing. HOWEVER, you cannot get PTSD from someone choosing to make a decision that has nothing to do with you. Therefore PTSD cannot come from cheating. If your partner chose to CHEAT on you, that is what they chose to do. You can choose to make a decision too. You can choose to leave or stay but you cant say that its trauma just because you are emotionally effected. My emotions get effected every time chickens start being jealous of me. Is that trauma? NO. My emotions get effected by some of the most meaningless actions. Am I going to scream I have PTSD? NO. Why? Because it is a mockery to those truly suffering from it. When I finally went to therapy and I saw the amount of people who were traumatized from things that happened almost 20 years ago I got emotional for them. I couldn’t help but think of myself. It’s easy to think I’m fine now but what about 5 years from now? 10 years? 20?

When I think about healing, I think it should be done in a way that feels best to your heart and spirit. Everyone heals differently. That’s why I cant be mad at women for not wanting to accept my waist beads for healing. I’ve used my waist beads to help heal from ALOT and it WORKED. I’ve also made beads to help other women heal as well. Healing is a choice. Trauma bonding is a choice also. What I learned this year is when you trauma bond with someone and that bond breaks someone is going to be left HURT. I am finally starting to break the trauma bonds from my family and I’m happy about this. My brother is the one who won’t let that bond go. I keep encouraging healing, but he won’t hear me. When I told my brother I wanted to spend my birthday alone or possibly with 1 other person, he got offended. “So you don’t want anyone else to celebrate your life?”

My brother never cared to celebrate a birthday with me before. For some reason people don’t like feeling like their trauma bond is being broken. Trauma bonds make them feel connected to something. There is no desire in me to continue connecting to my past trauma. POR QUOI? What good will holding on to past pain do? How could I ever expect to be a better lover, partner, mother, sister, friend if I’m holding on to things that happened in my past? As much as I want to put out my memoir, I’m taking my time because of the sensitive content. A lot of unhealed people may get triggered. Do I care? Yes and no. I care enough not to re-traumatize or trigger anyone but not enough to stay silent. Today I saw a clip of Tyler Perry on a Talk Show. There’s a lot of Kings that come out of Atlanta but respectfully Tyler Perry is both the KING and the QUEEN when he is in drag as Madea. When someone mentioned his mother he started crying. His vulnerability was interesting to watch because I thought to myself “Wow! With all his success and his accomplishments, he is still sensitive to his life.” This made me think of myself. I cant imagine what its going to be like for ME, the TRAUMA QUEEN who been through so much to actually talk about it. I’m not looking forward to that part. That’s why I want to be isolated. My brother seems to think I’m forcing isolation when others want to connect with me. That may be true but I don’t trust people enough to truly support my new journey. Therefore I’ll isolate myself until I feel safe enough to celebrate with others. Right now, it ain’t safe. I told my brother me wanting to be alone on my birthday has nothing to do with him or anyone. “I don’t expect people to understand what I’m feeling so I don’t expect them to celebrate with me either. All people want to do is pity me. I don’t want to pity myself. I came along way to make it to 30. I want to celebrate my life without accepting other people’s misfortune for me.” Every birthday, every holiday season, or every holiday in general is emotionally triggering. Would I label it as PTSD? Absolutely not. Imagine thinking you have PTSD just because you feel lonely on Holidays and Birthdays. That’s the point I’m trying to make when I say emotional feelings is not always PTSD unless you are set back emotionally from a particularly triggering traumatic event. FOR EXAMPLE: nightmares. If someone has a nightmare, (which is a common symptom of PTSD) and they wake up crying then yes that is an emotional feeling from PTSD. Crying because your sad that you don’t have someone to sleep next to isn’t necessarily PTSD unless it’s linked to a traumatic event.

Being a TRAUMA QUEEN isn’t a badge of honor. It is a level you reach when you’ve recovered and healed from things that were meant to leave you destroyed and destructed. I am not denying the fact that I still need help. I am still wounded. I am not 100% recovered. In fact, every time I work on one part of healing, then more things pop up. All I know is that I’m doing the work. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Whenever I hear people say (especially women), “I was so traumatized by this and that!” Something in me gets offended, and I instantly feel upset. WHY? Because deep down, I know they will never know the levels of trauma I’ve experienced. Therefore it is insulting to compare your emotions, ego or your lack of accountability to trauma. Jealousy isn’t a positive emotion. Jealousy kills. We can act like it doesn’t matter but it can be very destructive. Why be jealous of trauma? Because there are bonds that can be formed. People are attracted to it! I’m just happy I’m healed enough to figure out ways to monetize my trauma instead of allowing it to benefit other people. Yes people CAN and WILL benefit off your misfortune and trauma. I REFUSE. That’s another reason why people may be jealous. They couldn’t walk a day in your shoes but they want to enter in those rooms.

As a Trauma Queen, I will continue to evaluate women based on the accountability they have over themselves. I cant feel sorry for you sis. No one EVER felt sorry for me and if they did I rebuke it. We cant get comfortable being victims. We must be Victorious. We gotta WIN. I don’t even feel sorry for myself. In fact, I’m happy for myself. I’m sitting back thinking about all that I accomplished before 30 and I must say I’m proud. I had to factor in MY TRAUMA. I said to myself “Girl, look at all you accomplished despite everything you went through. That’s why they are jealous. You never stopped.” Experiencing trauma isn’t anymore fun than healing from it but since people keep glorifying it, I CROWN MYSELF THE QUEEN OF TRAUMA. I have overcome the worst of the worst and still came out THE BEST! “Damn so it’s really just us left?” Words from Michelle today, I had to tell her why I had to cut off my family member that I had a very strong trauma bond with. It hurt me to accept that I cannot be close to this person but I feel better knowing I cut the bond off now before it GOT UGLY.

Michelle is another TRAUMA QUEEN, in my opinion. Her life isn’t the same as mine. We may have bonded over being orphans but our true bond came from trying to be better. Ever since Beauty School, I remember her telling me I need to read books. Michelle tells me things I may not like to hear but its the truth “That’s because you’re toxic. Not in a bad way but definitely toxic.” I laughed because its true. If I had to describe my toxic behavior as an alcoholic beverage I would label myself as a Bloody Mary. It’s not the best drink in the world. People don’t like the taste of it but its good for you. If you drink a Bloody Mary after being too messed up, you will feel better eventually. However, people hate the taste and they typically don’t order it unless they're sick. The Bloody Mary also gives you energy. There’s alcohol in a Bloody Mary but there’s also things to make you feel good. That’s the kind of toxic I am. I’m not that easy to digest but you know its what you need in order to feel better in the end.

In conclusion, I want to say as a Trauma Queen, I can appreciate other Trauma Queens. Sometimes I hear about other women’s stories and I get inspired. Michelle inspired me when I first met her because I had no idea the kind of life she had. When she told me some of the details from her life, I couldn’t help but think “Wow! Yet here you are trying to help people.” She got me one of my cutting jobs. We only worked together for a brief time before we both quit. Out of everyone I went to Beauty School with, no one put me in the position to better myself. Michelle and I didn’t finish Beauty School together. I got the call back from the job and they told me she referred me. She bragged how good I was as a barber. I was shocked! I hadn’t talked to her since Beauty School. Ever since that job, I always stayed connected with Michelle. I’m not here to compare her trauma to mine. I will say that healing means being accountable. I love that about our friendship. We can have conversations about accountability and working towards overcoming our trauma rather than making excuses because of it.

I don’t know what’s in store for 2024 but I do know that breaking unhealthy trauma bonds needs to happen now. People can connect with you without trauma bonding. I don’t expect people to always relate to me or my trauma. I am not asking anyone to help me heal. I realize there are things beyond people’s control that may effect me. I understand healing is my responsibility but you can still show support. You can show love. You can be encouraging and motivating. You can inspire others. You can be considerate. You can be generous. You can be helpful or simply just be present in someone’s life as a friend, lover, etc

Stop yourself from comparing you to me because respectfully sis you’re NOT built like I am. I went through HELL and came back without a scratch. I did have scratches but eventually they faded away.

I encourage all my TRAUMA QUEENS to G CHECK those chickens that make a mockery of your PTSD. This is A REAL THING. I used to be nice but I stopped once I realized people weaponize your trauma against you to feel better about themselves. Listen, I will use my trauma as an excuse to make you feel exactly how you want me to feel. TEST ME. LETS SEEEEEEEE. That is what getssss mee (Nicki Minaj, another Trauma Queen)

-Slim Shady MAMA