Wander vs Wonder

Greetings! Today’s blog is inspired by the mother from Baby Boy, actress AJ Johnson I believe is her name. She posted today about what people’s responses are when asking them questions like “What do you want out of life? How can you make your relationship better? What do you see yourself as in the future?” According to her, a lot of people’s answers were “I don’t know.” That’s when she broke down what it means to wander vs wonder. I was instantly inspired by her explanation of the two. A lot of different women have been inspiring me. Mama gotta have a life too. I like to refer to myself as MAMA for my initials: Malon Mahotiere. It is my way of being an evolved version of my mother Rama. Although her name is spelled Rahmatoullahy, people called her Rama for short. Her sister’s name who I often refer as my evil aunt real name is Mamatou. My evil aunt looks JUST like my mother and it’s scary. However she is nothing like my mother. She just happens to appear similar.

Over the weekend I had to process a lot of difficult emotions. I decided to cut off my family members. BOTH sides, Africans and Haitians. Even though this is like the 100th time, I’m having to do so. I really do mean it this time around. Part of the reason why I’m refusing to associate with my family is because of how spiritually destructive they are. Growing up, I used to refer to my Aunt as Auntie Mama but I am removing her as my family. However I’m going to steal her name the same way they stole my parents belongings and the same way my cousins stole my parents name and use it for their fake identity. ICE SPICE needs to do their job. Between my African side and my Haitian side, I realized there is no need to divide myself anymore. I can appreciate all parts of my culture and still exclude my family. According to the Africans, I’m not African enough because my father is Haitian. According to the Haitians, I’m not Haitian enough because I’ve never been there and I was born in Africa. For many years I spent wandering around on this American land trying to find where I belong. I’m here to say I wonder where I will end up now that I say F ALL OF YALL. See when people wander it is because they are lost in some ways. That’s what I believe my family is. They are a just lost souls full of jealousy, envy, and greed.

When Professor Emeritus Dr. Sauveur Mahotiere passed away, a lot of people felt both a LOSS and felt LOST. Particularly my father’s side of the family. My father was the one who knew the way. Sauveur led them all to this American land. He gave them the opportunity to leave Haiti and have a better life in America. Sauveur wondered what life would be outside of Haiti with the encouragement of his older sister. Every day I thank God for my Father who art in Heaven. The choices he made and the decisions led me to be here. After his death, its a damn shame what they tried to do to his legacy. My mother is a different story. They were simply just haters. I have to reiterate how much I am NOT my mother but I LOVE my mother more than life itself and that’s a fact. Word 2 Onika Tanya Maraj.

Going into my 30s I’m living 2 lives. One for me and one for Mama Rama. When I think about how her life was cut short I get so angry. However I have accepted her death. It took many many years. After accepting her death, I changed. I will never be the same Malon again. I told myself “In honor of Rama, I will not let them win!” Them being “the haters of love”. Sometimes I wonder what would my moms life have been if she said F EVERYBODY. I wonder would she still be here if she just said F MY FAMILY like I’m doing right now. I spent many years wandering trying to find myself because of her absence. I’ve only dreamed of my mother once. I was a child. I was lost in the woods with my brothers. Then suddenly, I ended up by myself and I panicked. I started freaking out until my mom appeared. I couldn’t believe it! I asked her “MOM! Where have you been?” She ignored that.

“Go that way! Don’t follow your brothers! Go your own way. GO!” She pointed into another direction and then I ran into that direction. I don’t remember the dream after that. I always prayed I would dream of my mother again but it just hasn’t happened yet since I became an adult. Instead I have to talk to psychic mediums which people label as demonic. I’m a DEMON LORD! Word to Doja Cat. Speaking of demonic, a divorced bitter woman accused my waist beads of being demonic because I offered to give her one for healing. She clearly is still hurt that her husband Derrick Jaxson left her. I read his book “Don’t forget your crown.”

Honestly it is funny to me when people (especially black women) label what I do as “demonic”. I think to myself “Whatever helps you sleep at night sis.” Meanwhile I gotta understand that some women were meant to be alone, bitter and rot. I cant save everyone. Anyway I digress back to Mama Rama. My mother’s spirit lives inside me but I’m done wandering. A lot of people don’t know what they want out of life. A lot of people don’t know why they are stuck. A lot of women don’t know why they SUCK. The honest truth is that they simply don’t know and they really don’t want to know. They don’t want to know how they can be better mothers, wives, partners, sisters, friends, lovers. Everyone is entitled to their own life choices. That is what I had to understand. I’m done trying to help women who don’t want to know why they have the problem in the first place. The problem is YOU sis. FIX IT. This is where I have to isolate and wait to see who wants to receive the help I can offer them. Why try to get women to understand me when they barely understand themselves. They would much rather continue wandering aimlessly. A life that is going nowhere fast. HOW SAD! So many women refuse to be better. Women choose to blame, belittle and blasphemy me because I am who I am and I stand proud in that. I have never claimed to be perfect but I am ME. I got to the point where I don’t have to wander. I CHOOSE TO WONDER. I wonder how life will be for me in my 30s. I wonder how good life will get in 2024 and beyond

With all the jealousy, envy and greed that once surrounded me, I realized that I don’t want to be my mother. I want to be better than my mother. I am already better than my mother. When I have a daughter, I hope she is better than me. I hope that there is no need to be jealous of her either. I pray that I am healed enough to never envy another woman. I wonder what my future children would be like. I wonder what pregnancy will be like for me. I can tell you this. I am my mothers child but I am not my mother. I have to keep saying this to myself because I wish my mother didn’t care about the people who didn’t truly love her. I know they didn’t love her because of how they treated me as her daughter. When I have a daughter, I wonder….

“I’m so sorry Malon.” That was the first thing my mother said to me through a psychic medium. I didn’t understand her words. Why would my mother be sorry? I wondered. Now I know why. It’s because I was wandering in life trying to find myself without her guidance. She wasn’t able to be there but one day I found my way. TODAY I AM SO THANKFUL FOR MY LIFE! I am thankful for my mother. I wonder what I will be like as a mother. As I step into this new world, I pray that I am protected. There is nothing more that I want than PRIVACY. I see a lot of women doing things that make me cringe. One of them are maternity shoots. I don’t know why but I want my pregnancy to be a secret. I don’t want to expose my stomach.

I wonder what people will think when they see me with a gang of kids. They’ll probably think “When was Malon pregnant?” No one knew when my mother was pregnant with me because she left. She went to Africa with my father and brothers. They had me in Guinea and stayed there for months. I didn’t get to America until I was almost 1 year old. Only 1 birthday was celebrated. My last birthday I celebrated alone. My 30th birthday I don’t mind doing that again if I absolutely have to. I haven’t made any plans because I don’t trust people. I don’t trust to be around people when I celebrate my life. I don’t want to be around people unless it is someone that truly loves me that is NOT jealous of me or my light or the attention I get from men, women or anyone in general. Genuine love is very scarce. Being alone on my birthday last year made me emotional. This year, I’m preparing myself mentally if it happens again not to care. Hoping for the best but expecting the worst. *sings FOREVER YOUNG. I always think of Michelle’s words. “Your life is prophecy.” Prophecy is described as a supernatural entity. When you look up the word, it doesn’t really describe it in a way that I think defines what it means. I am definitely supernatural. My talents and skills are out of this world. My spirituality is getting deeper and more profound. Losing people is the name of the game. Last night I cried because I was both happy and sad. I was sad because I was grieving the relationships that I consider dead. I was happy because of the rebirth of my spirit. It reminds me of when I went to my niece graduation in Las Vegas.

I cried that day because a part of me died.

When I returned to Las Vegas 2 months later for NBA con and Summer League, I didn’t realize I was back in the same place. A part of me died in the same place I was reborn. I wonder what life has in store for me after this rebirth. I call it a rebirth because I am not the same Malon. I was too much like my mom. So nice, caring, sweet and kind. Ignoring the jealous family members and friends. Always trying to see the good in those who are evil. NOT ANYMORE. I wonder how people will act when I give them the same energy back. I know Rama wouldn’t but I’m not Rama. I’m MAMA. No not her sister, Mamatou. I am Rama’s child living for the both of us. They thought they killed my mother.

I wonder what they’re going to do when they see Mama Rama isn’t dead. She lives in side me. Malon doesnt have to wander around this American land wondering who she is or where she belongs. Malon knows exactly what life she is about to have. I wonder how people will act once they realize it.

Life is about to get wonderful! In honor of Rahmatoullahy and Dr. Sauveur Mahotiere. If you don’t know, now you know. Those who are wandering I hope one day you find your place. Those who wonder: Don’t ever lose your sense of wonder. You got your food to eat, but always keep that hunger. Those words aren’t mine but they are remixed from one of my favorite childhood songs

I hope you dance.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RV-Z1YwaOiw

P.S. I’ll be in Atlanta this weekend doing my waist beads pick up orders! My first time doing pick up ALL YEAR! I cant believe the time has finally come again. I cant wait to see some of yall in person.

Love,

-MAMA (Malon Mahotiere)