Nononononovember

Hey y’all! I’m back and I’m better. This month is all about the power of saying NO. Should we begin?

First off all I want to congratulate myself on saying no to drugs for the past 2 weeks! By drugs, I’m talking about Mary Jane. I don’t do any other drugs because I cant go out like that. When I was a child, my evil stepsister had a friend that was a coke head. She ended up dying from overdose. I’ll never forget that woman but I forgot her name. She always looked so fabulous. When I found out she died from drugs, I was convinced then never to become a coke head. When I grew up, I didn’t realize how many people around me enjoyed doing that drug. I always thought of that woman who’s name I really cant remember. I just remember her energetic personality and her high fashion clothes. She was nicer to me than my own damn sister. I really liked that woman every time she came around. I had no idea she was probably high off something. Then I had a friend who got addicted to meth. I never wanted to be like him. However, I understood what was happening to him. He was self medicating after being diagnosed with the package. Could you imagine getting the package right after turning 18? From a man that’s too ashamed to admit he likes men. CRAZY. Growing up in Atlanta forced me to grow up.

Being an orphan anywhere else probably wouldn’t have given me the same life lessons like Atlanta. When I started smoking Mary Jane, it wasn’t until AFTER I graduated High School. My prom date got me into smoking. I guess we still cool but I don’t trust anyone from my childhood. Seeing how people were so quick to turn on me, I just said F everybody. Smoking weed isn’t bad but being an addict is not good no matter what the drug is. I was definitely addicted until I told myself NO MORE.

If you smoke, you will be BROKE. That was my mantra to say no to drugs. I believe its working. I’ve gone a lot longer without smoking. I want to see how long I can go without depending on weed. During these times, I think its best NOT to self medicate. Every pain, every emotion, every uncomfortable feeling needs to be felt SOBER. I stopped drinking just so I could feel my feelings.

I said NO to the alcohol but for HOW LONG? Last night I got a text from a man I forgot on purpose. He said “Hey Malon, hope all is well.” Something about talking to a man that cant do nothing for me does not sit well in my spirit. I thought about responding until I came up with the perfect answer NO.

Saying no is like a form of self care. I used to be a yes man. Can you blame me? Once upon a time, I was in the military. “SIR YES SIR.” lives rent free in my head sometimes. PTSD problems. Speaking of the military, Veterans Day is in exactly 1 week from today. I’ll be in Atlanta turning up. The reason why I decided to go to Atlanta is because I need a new crown, Slim Shady is fading away. When Malon starts to reappear, its time to reevaluate somethings. What have we learned from our ego?

See ego isn’t always a negative thing. Sometimes its for protection. We gotta protect who we are from people who don’t deserve it. Malon has definitely given too much attention, energy and love to people in the past. What I noticed is those same people cant seem to reciprocate. There are people out there capable of giving the same energy Malon does. Those people don’t necessarily need my attention or haven’t met me yet. October shocked me because I wasn’t expecting a lot of behaviors from people that I loved. I decided to focus on the love I have for myself and say NO to those who don’t deserve it.

Everyone screams self love but those actions say otherwise. I believe isolation is the best thing for me for now. Saying NO, is perfectly fine if that means we are able to love ourselves more as a result. October showed me that the lack of love people have for themselves will show up when you least expect it to. The reason why I was so disappointed in some people is because I love them but they don’t even love themselves. WHAT A WASTE. How could you ever truly love a person that doesn't really love themselves? You can try but it will be frustrating. Imagine loving someone so much and they constantly do things that are self destructive. Imagine loving a person to the point where their lack of self love makes YOU upset.

That is CRAZY if you ask me but that was ME. I would get really bothered by the actions of others because it screamed I DON’T LOVE MYSELF AND YOU DO SO I AM NOT HAPPY WITH YOU. That’s when I knew now is the best time to start telling people NO. Even if that means staying away. We don’t feel guilty because it isn’t out of hate, spite, negativity or any destructive traits. It is simply out of self love. I love myself way too much to be around people who don’t love themselves enough.

Loving yourself is not just a trend either. You gotta really look in the mirror and figure out what is really going on? Speaking of mirror, I bought one today to put in my office. This is part of my self love. I want to look at myself everyday so I can remind myself of how far I’ve come. I may not be in the BEST position ever but I’m making progress. I’m taking the right steps towards a life I want. I need to remind myself of how beautiful I am on the inside by looking at my outside. Loving how I look on the inside is more important but I could take more time on my outside. I can appreciate my outside a lot more. I’ve been doing a lot of inner work and I’m still not finished. Today I went shopping and talk is still cheap. You cant SAY you love yourself and expect for me to believe it. I want you to SHOW how much you love yourself by showing up for yourself every day. That is why the mirror is important. I need to look at myself and ask “How are you going to show yourself love?”

Every time I talk about celibacy I bore people. No one wants to talk about it because sex is more exciting. Last night I had a very interesting dream. I had a dream that I was talking to a small group of people and this man kissed me to shut up. And guess what? I shut up. When I woke up, I thought “I wonder what I was saying to make this man do that? Maybe I talk too much.” I figured the dream was a subliminal message or something. So now, I’m going to practice shutting up. NO you cant know what I’m doing. NO you cant know where I’m going. NO you cant know who I’m dating. NO you cant go where I’m going. NO, we cant kick it. NO, we cant talk. NO, we cant be friends. NO NO NO.

November is the perfect month to say NO because we are getting closer and closer to the end of 2023. 2024 will HIT DIFFERENT. This has been the best and worst year of my 20s. Best because of me being in the worst sitaution. I challenged myself so much. I made a promise to myself that I will NEVER live like this again. I promised myself I won’t go through what I did in my 20s in my 30s. One thing I won’t forget is when I was driving in my car. I have to be grateful for my vehicle. I don’t have a G WAGON or a Range Rover but I remember last year when I had NO CAR. I had to Uber to places all over Los Angeles. I remember how people treated me because I didn’t have a car. I’m grateful for my car regardless of how old it may be. When I was driving, I saw a homeless woman holding a NEW BORN baby with a man. He was asking for money. I had to stop and think about myself for a second. Imagine if you had sex with someone you “loved” and that was you. Maybe if she loved herself, she would love a better man too. Look where they both are. What can we learn? Imagine being homeless and having a child. MY mind could not wrap around her reality. I gave him a cup of change that was in my car because that was all I had. I know I may not be in the best circumstances but I make smart choices. I’m smart enough to not get pregnant. I was smart enough to stay celibate because I know my situation. Why bring a child in this world without preparation? I’m not trying to condemn that woman but she changed my entire perspective of my situation. I immediately said a prayer to thank God for what I have even if its not a lot. I hate how people try to treat me like I’m less. Even in my worst, I still think I’m the best. There are people who’s parents are alive and well, who still don’t love themselves the way I love myself. They would look down on me.

Good thing I don’t look at them at all.

With experience comes wisdom. MY evil stepsister had the nerve to attend a Homeless Veteran event in Atlanta knowing her sister is one. This is the type of behavior that I consider SICK. However, can I be mad at this woman for being who she is? NO. We all know how jealous people can be of others. Why would someone choose to be jealous of me? I don’t know but what I do KNOW is that is not my problem anymore. I’m saying NO to caring about other peoples opinion of me. People think they are so high and mighty but don’t even love themselves. What I learned in this low moment is how all I need is ME. If I want to raise my vibration, I gotta depend on ME to do so. I accomplished things as a homeless veteran that my evil stepsister could NEVER even imagine. Maybe I felt sorry for myself all these years. I’m saying NO to that also. There is NO reason why I should feel less

Less is more anyway if we’re gonna go that way.

Material gain has nothing to do with spiritual enlightenment. However, one will gain materials once they have reached a point in their spiritual journey. I’m not superficial. I don’t care about material possessions. We are going on 2 years since my apartment fire. The biggest lesson I learned from that is NO MATERIAL POSSESSIONS ARE MORE VALUABLE THAN YOUR LIFE. I remember when the fire started in the roof. The roofs on FIRE! What you say? THE ROOFS ON FIRE! When I arrived, everyone was so happy to see me. They thought I was inside. I just got off work. As I watched it all burn down, apart of me died that day. I had no idea I would be reborn into this new person. When I think about how I was treated, man did people show me their true colors. Here I am GRATEFUL for not being in my apartment. That fire could have happened at ANY TIME. It happened while I was away. Yes I was upset because I knew life was not about to be easy for me but words cant express the gratitude I had for my life. What is even more sad is how people treated me as if I should accept misfortune for myself. I will never accept misfortune for my life. Everything that happens is for a reason. Everything that happened as a result of that fire helped me

Today I just want to say THANK YOU to God and my guardian angels for allowing me to live my life and helping me get to this point of my self love journey. It bothers people how much I love myself. Why should I care? I want to leave you all with this: It is okay to say NO to other people because when GOD gives you a YES, please know you will be BLESSED. With all the personal hardship, I have received some of the biggest blessings of my life and its still not over yet. However, I don’t want to do anything that will compromise the love I have for myself or my future children. It’s okay to drink and smoke every now and then but right now I think its best to say NO to the self medicating.

When I get to Atlanta, I do want to be more open. I’m thinking about my waist beads Queens and how I can open myself up for you all while I’m there. I want to help anyone who may be on their own self love journey. I can warn you that it does get lonely. You will start to lose friends and family.

Just remember a better you is emerging.

Say no with love

-Malon Mahotiere (Slim Shady)