Halloween Spirit
Greetings! Today is the last day of October. THANK GOODNESS. I would consider this to be one of the WORST months I’ve had in a long time. I just cant describe the level of deceit I experienced from people. So many disappointments, so many true colors revealed. FCK IT! MASK OFF! Word 2 Future. I couldn’t wait for this day to come. I was so eager for the month to end that I forgot it was Halloween. Happy Halloween I guess. Between me and whoever is reading this right now, I am NOT in the Halloween Spirit. I am at the point in my life where I don’t have the energy to be fake. I don’t have the energy to put on a mask. That’s what Halloween is all about anyway right? People dress up, wear masks, put on makeup, party, eat candy and scare people. Well I think I’ve had enough of that. Seems like people been in the Halloween spirit all year. I think its time I took MY mask off and show people whats really going on.
I notice that isolation isn’t so dangerous when you are on the Devil’s playground. For a long time I’ve been trying to figure out what my next move will be. I finally realized that I need to stay where I’m at. REST IN PEACE TO TAKEOFF! I wrote a blog last year when he died, I still cant believe it. I remember I was in LA, and I heard the news the night of Halloween. It was so weird because I thought “Of all days for him to die, why?” Takeoff was my favorite Migo. I met those boys when they were still a group right before I left for the Military. One of my EX homegirl’s (the wanna be Milan) was OBSESSED with Quavo. I guess that’s why Future swerved her. I was with her when I met them boys.
Thinking about Takeoff being murdered on Halloween is part of the reason why I’m just not in the Halloween Spirit anymore. I will never get over that! I took the time today to reflect on everything. Eventually, I’ll throw on a costume, makeup and do my hair but not now. I’ll wait until its officially #WaistBeadWednesday. Takeoff’s death really hit home because he came from where I grew up. It felt like I lost a relative. That was a very lonely time for me. I remember being in LA, and I couldn’t express how I felt or grieve properly. LA is just a different type of vibe. I cannot explain it but I don’t like it. People are really weird out here and its only getting weirder. I’m considering moving BACK to Atlanta. This isn’t a certainty yet but its a thought. I figured if I’m going to isolate myself, I might as well do it in a place that is familiar. My last week of school is this week. When I started at Los Angeles Film School, I had no idea what I was up against. I love how my teachers gave me the real deal spill when it comes to Hollywood. After 1 year of school, I realize how much that information changed me.
After being in LA, I will never be the same. I used to be fake too but I just cant do it anymore. I cant put on the mask I used to wear. It doesn’t feel right! I’m not hiding anything anymore! I used to act like everything was all good when it wasn’t. I used to act like I was fine, when I wasn't . I cant act fake happy anymore. LA changed me. Once I realized that being fake won’t change how people feel about you, sh!t started getting really real. It’s all cool we were never cool anyway. Word to B.O.B.
This past year living in LA made me want to stay away from EVERYONE. Even people I once loved. Only because, they don’t see me the same. I’m not over how much has changed including myself. Between people I know switching up and acting funny and people I don’t know just being weird. I’m like Summer Walker OVER IT. LA is a great place to do creative artistic work but I’m not here to play with y’all. I’m just here standing on business.
Socializing and making friends is not an option. I don’t really want no friends, NO! Word 2 Nicki. People in LA smile extra hard when they really don’t like you. It is the weirdest thing and when people do like you, they try to steal your energy. What happened to genuine connections? Why be fake? Why not be honest about how you feel and ACT on THAT. You aint gotta lie to kick it. Where the hell did everyone get their mask from anyway?
The most scariest thing about being in LA was when I TRIED to make friends. I won’t make that mistake again. I thought life was going to get so much better for me since moving out of Atlanta. I thought I was meeting some great wonderful amazing kind hearted people until suddenly, THAT MASK COMES OFF! What lies underneath some of these masks is enough to make you sick!
I guess that’s why I’ve been feeling so ill. I haven’t been going to class because I just cant get myself to do it anymore. You don’t know who’s real or who got a mask on! NOW THAT IS SCARY. I believe people been in the Halloween Spirit a lot more than just October. That’s why its best for me to stay to myself. I hate to feel like I cant trust anyone but that is the process of elevation. I have a lot of things I want to complete before the year is over. I have things I need to do that I cant share out loud.
When you change, people start to change too. They treat you as if you are not the same. I guess I’m not. I gotta get used to this. Once I decided I wasn’t going to be fake happy anymore, I realized I’m not everyone’s favorite person. OH WELL. People cant handle the ugly truth of my reality. They would much rather me tell a beautiful lie. I’m also not going to allow my circumstances to give anyone the chance to belittle me. I’ve been lying to myself about how I feel. The truth is, I’m not happy with where I am but I’m going to deal with it. That idea of feeling like I need other people to support me on this journey is over. Being alone is not intentional but I trust myself more than anyone. I low-key feel like SCARFACE. Who do I trust? ME!
While you all continue to enjoy this Holiday Season, I will be preparing myself for the New Year. I’m preparing myself for my 30s. I’m preparing myself to change my life into a better reality. I’m prepared to walk this journey alone because my growth really scares people. More than any ghost ever could! Once I realized my own FAMILY, don’t even see me the same that’s when I KNEW. I told myself “This is how it starts.” Money hasn’t changed me yet but putting myself in the position for my life to change has changed a lot of people’s attitude towards me. I just cant seem to figure it out. I got to the point where I don’t want to figure it out. I just want to live my best blessed life. I am not hiding behind a mask anymore either. What you see is what you get. If I’m depressed than I’m depressed. If I’m happy than I’m happy. If I don’t like you than I don’t like you. If I love you than I love you. THATS IT. THATS ALL. Its okay to dress up and act like someone else for a day but it seems that people been doing this all year.
I don’t even know who a lot of y’all are anymore.
Let this be the last Halloween where I am in low spirit. Better vibe next year! Tomorrow is a new day. I am focusing on raising my vibration after dealing with all the low vibrations this Spooky Season. Again, I cannot express enough how happy I am that this month is over. Tomorrow is a NEW DAY! Time to isolate. Focus. I plan on ending 2023 the right way! I want to be in good spirits. If I cant be surrounded by good people than I will raise my vibration and surround myself with my own good energy. I really don’t mind being alone.
This month allowed me to love myself deeper and embrace all the parts of myself: good and bad.
Therefore, being by myself doesn’t feel as horrible as it used to. Now its a preference. Get comfortable with your own company. You will never feel the need to put on a mask for anyone once you get comfortable in your own skin. If I surround myself with people, they need to have that same frequency and keep that MASK OFF
Hope you all had a great and safe Halloween!
RIP TAKEOFF
Love Always,
Malon Mahotiere