They can't go. Issa no

Hey y’all! Its still #WaistBeadWednesday on the West Coast. However on the East Coast its #ThankfulThursday and I just want to say I’m thankful for all of you Queens (and Kings) that support My Waist Beads! That being said, lets get into it! I’m back in LA and I hate it here. Yes I said hate. People say hate is a strong word. Well this is a strong emotion. I never disliked a place so much but yet still can’t seem to leave. What’s wrong with me? Well let’s start with my family. They are the ones to blame for all my problems therefore, they can’t go where I’m going. Part of my healing journey is me having the courage to tell people NO. The last Sunday of the summer I did a foot bath ritual when my cousin Vicky was in town. I wanted her to be a part of the Travel Group I joined until the owner revealed to me who he truly is. Even though, it was a NO for me, she still came out here to meet him.

Ever since the yacht party, I started saying “They can’t go where I’m going” to myself as a mantra. I saw a lot of girls that I met at the beginning of the year that I wouldn’t be mad if I never saw again. The looks on their face when they saw Malon was as if they saw a ghost which speaking of Malon, she’s slowly making a come back and I don’t like it. I noticed today when I was doing my hair, I couldn’t do finger waves anymore. My hair was too thick for finger waves and that’s when I knew.

Anyways I just want to say a lot of people can’t go where I’m taking Malon. Issa hard NO for me. Reason being is because Malon has enough work to do on her own just to reach the level she desires. For some reason I noticed people have been trying to distract her more and more. This is why I came to the conclusion that I hate LA. This seems to be a pattern in LA. People really don’t want her to be great and its upsetting me and my homegirls. Yesterday Malon went back to school in Hollywood. The teacher seems very knowledge and informative. I think it’s going to be a good class. However, the entertainment business no longer seems appealing to Malon anymore. I’m not saying she’s going to quit but we definitely need to reevaluate some things. Being in LA has forced Malon into loneliness.

Being alone definitely makes you stronger which is why I think its best for her to remain alone during these times. Some people just can’t accept your wins as much as they accept defeat for you. MALON IS WINNING REGARDLESS. That’s what people don’t understand. Its unfortunate when people will gather around to hear bad news about you. I got to a point where I realized Malon can’t share her blessings with anyone because Malon is the only one it belongs to. That goes for family and friends.

Last night Malon was in her feelings. That’s when I knew she was making a comeback. She was upset because her brother started ignoring her messages. Why would this make her upset? Well because her brother is a gemini and they always switching it up! At first she thought something happened to him, then she realized “Nah, he’s just ignoring me.” Later her brother called her to explain WHY he was ignoring her but it doesn’t matter why anymore. What matters is not feeling the need to have people.

When Malon first came to LA, she was excited but scared. Words can’t express the level of fear that she had. Not to mention the survival mode trauma she experienced. This has to be the most traumatizing part of her entire 20s. Moving to LA, by herself and not knowing ANYONE except people from school encouraging her to “share her story.” If it wasn’t for Ms. Debra’s words, Malon probably wouldn’t have been so hellbent on coming back to Hollywood. “You’re an American hero!”

This was back in 2019. The first time Malon had ever been in LA or Hollywood. Her teacher said “This is too good of a story to go untold. No one else can share it but you. You have to do this! Only you.” Even all the Hollywood people she brought in to “critic” us students admitted that my story was too good to sell. “I would self publish it and do everything yourself. Don’t sell it to anyone. It may take longer and you may have to put in a lot of work but it will be worth it since its YOUR life story.”

Those words stuck with Malon all the way back home to Atlanta. She was sold on going back to LA. No one seemed to take her story seriously back in Atlanta. That’s why LA seemed like the place to be but now that we are here the pressure is weighing in. When it’s all said and done, who can Malon rely on to help her relieve this pressure? NO ONE. Wanna know why? Because NO ONE wants it more than her! Therefore no one else can come on this journey. The door is closed. Malon was crying her eyes out last night after realizing she has to cut off her brother once again and some of her friends too.

This is only because things are getting intense. When something positive happens, Malon feels hesitant to share it. When Malon gets a thought to make a move on something, she keeps it to herself. This has been a habit she’s been developing after noticing the reactions to the “good” she experienced. Why are people not as interested in “good news” the way they are “bad news”? The truth is, we don’t wanna have any more “bad news” to share. The struggle isn’t over but its coming to an end. Shouldn’t we be happy? We should be celebrating! Instead, we are isolating. We are shutting people off and out. This isn’t on purpose but its for protection. If something good is on its way, we can’t tell people because deep down they don’t really want it for you. Therefore sharing good news to people who rather you have misery will only create a defect in your blessing. No one can take what’s yours. HOWEVER energy is powerful and so are thoughts. So look at it like this, if you have something good and you share it with someone who is envious of it, they may have negative thoughts surrounding your “good”. Whatever that “good” is will now be attached to someone else’s negative thoughts! Now your good is at risk to becoming a manifestation of someone else’s negative energy all because you share it with them. This is the power of words, thoughts and your subconscious mind. What’s even more scary is not knowing who is on your side and who isn’t. That is why I blame my family for my problems.

For a long time I was surrounded by people who hated me when I thought they loved me. Now that I’m older I can see how I was emotionally manipulated. My brother mentioned how I went to Portugal with my legal guardian 6 years ago. He mentioned it as if I should be HAPPY that I experienced that. Don’t get me wrong Portugal was a beautiful country and I would love to go back to visit or even live. HOWEVER, I was invited to Portugal so Decepticon could distract me from homelessness. He sold our house 3 months prior and used the money to buy my ticket. I realize it now but back then I didn’t!

When it comes to family, I can’t trust my own blood. When my brother started ignoring my texts messages, I just knew it was because he switched up. We just had a great weekend kicking it, now all of a sudden you don’t respond to ANYTHING I say until my other brother called him out on it. Literally, he called him and that’s when he text me saying “Sorry sis I was …..blah blah” Now I’m not going to blame my ENTIRE family. Some of them do TRY and I appreciate them for that. However I don’t know who to trust and who not to so Issa no for me. Sometimes you can’t take people to the top with you because they rather see you at the bottom. I would be LYING if I said I didn’t know certain family members were envious of my perceived success. I say perceived because I still haven’t reached my idea of success yet but it doesnt matter. I reached a level further than most and that’s enough to be mad at. If they weren’t supportive when I was low, what makes me think they will support me now?

There is so much more I want to say but I’ll stop here and continue this conversation another time. Just know that its lonely at the top because too many people want you at the bottom with them. As much as I love my family, I love my brothers and I love my people.. They can’t go where I’m going.

The door is closed. I can’t afford to let anyone come in and take advantage of me or my energy. The life I am creating requires me to be very FOCUSED. I see that a lot of people don’t like that.

No more distractions. No more caring about being alone. Do what you gotta do and forget everyone.

Slim Shady