A Rookie and A Vet

Greetings! Happy Veterans Day! I want to give a special thank you to my brothers and sisters in the military service. I commend you all for your sacrifice, commitment and duty to serve this country. Today I’m back in Atlanta. As a disabled homeless veteran I must say that this Veterans Day hits hard. I’ve been crying all last night and a little bit this morning. As I mentioned before I’ve been getting comfortable in my shadow. I promised I would choose my light once I feel the time is right.

I think it is important to continue getting comfortable with my shadow energy for the sake of Veterans Day. This is a form of healing. A lot of pain and disappointment came from my Air Force career. However I cant deny the pride and joy I felt for my decision to serve in the World’s Greatest Air Force. The feeling is truly bitter sweet. I needed to give myself a reality check of where I am and we all know LA doesn’t keep it real. When I arrived in Atlanta, they sky was gloomy and grey. I knew I was exactly where I needed to be. The weather reflects how I feel. That is the power of being Mother Earth. I want to talk about what it means to be a disabled Veteran and accept this reality.

I am taking the steps into this new reality. I am taking baby steps. When I was diagnosed with PTSD, I was age 22. As I go into my 30s, I can say that I’ve figured out how to master my emotions. However, my physical conditions are what is hard to accept. My body isn’t the same. Before I came to Atlanta, I spent my last night in Los Angeles at the gym. While in the steam room, this woman turned to me in the middle of my meditation to tell me that I have such a nice body. I was in there half naked. I thought about what Michelle said “Everyone talks about how nice your body is but they don’t know what that body been through.” I never would have imagined in a million years that all the trauma I experienced over the years of my life would manifest into this type of physical pain. When Eckhart Tolle talked about people operating in their “pain body” he was referring to the pain they’ve experienced. People will use the pain they feel as a weapon. They cause people to feel the same pain because they don’t know how to release whatever pain is stuck in their body. He explained it a lot better than I can in “The New Earth”. However I think I am suffering from something different. I feel pain all over my body. I have never been the type to inflict pain unto others. I didn’t think my PTSD would manifest. The physical pain that I feel in my hips, my crown, my neck and my back are all physical manifestations of the trauma I’ve experienced since losing my parents. The reason why I was crying is because I remember what I went through when I had to report sexual assault. The people I confided in questioned my truth which hurt worse than the assault itself. I feel the same thing is happening.

When I talk about how much pain I’m in, no one seems to believe it. “You look fine to me.” When I try to express my concerns, people gaslight me. They think that its “all in my head” but it’s pain all over my body. My health concerns have increased once I realized I couldn’t work the same way. Every other second I gotta pop my hip back in place.

As I go into my 30s, I will be lying to myself if I said this isn’t a serious concern. I cant ignore the issues in my muscle tissues. I need to work on tryin to fix my mind, body and spirit. We can’t master one and neglect the other. All needs to be in alignment. I mastered my mind but the body needs work. My spirit is always working on itself. That is why I am going into a different direction with my career. Now the time has come for me to step into leadership positions. The truth is that I’ve already done the work. I need to work smarter not harder. I have to be mindful of ergonomics. I need to take breaks. I am proud of what I accomplished. This year showed me that overworking myself is a trauma response. When you are in pain, work isn’t what you should be focusing on. Healing and recovery is way more important than working for someone else. Speaking of working for someone else, I also decided to invest more time and energy into my waist beads. This year I neglected my waist beads business beyond words due to survival. With being in LA, I wanted so bad to be comfortable. The truth is that I may never be comfortable. When I call myself a rookie, this is compared to the new line of work I plan to do. If you’re reading this right now than you get a sneak peek of what I am planning.

2024 makes 5 years that MALON SALON has been in business. It has also been 5 years since I’ve been a licensed beauty professional. For someone only 5 years in the game, I been killing it for sure! Now I want to turn it up a 1000. Thursday I had the pleasure of visiting Michael Vincent Academy. I was interested in this school before COVID. They kept my email information and reached out for an event at the school. I forgot I was even interested in their program. When I arrived, I was late per usual. Although that didn’t matter. They were more interested in showing me around. I met the owner, Michael Vincent himself along with his team members. Everyone was so nice and inviting. They seemed extremely excited for me. Once I got the information I needed about their program, I knew what I was going to do next. Continued education is my plan. Obtaining my Master Barber license is the goal. Advancing my career as a licensed professional in the beauty and barbering industry is my goal. I’m a rookie to all of this but I’m still a VET. As great as I was at barbering, I never got the Master Barber license. I have a bad habit of being afraid of my own success. Dealing with the egos and jealousy of other people made me want to put my clippers down. The very skill people admired me for is the same reason they started resenting me. All I ever wanted to do was make a name for myself. I wanted to show people how versatile I could be. I didn’t want to be just a barber, or just a beautician or just a braider. I wanted to be ALL THE ABOVE. I hate being put in a box. Getting diagnosed with PTSD is how I was even able to get my license. I’ll never forget that day. I had no choice but to accept it was my time to go. As hard as it was, I look back and I’m grateful. My service to this country is the best work I’ve ever done.

This next phase of my journey is about to be phenomenal. I have nothing left to prove to anyone other than myself. I have a duty to honor myself by expressing my talent without fear. Serving this country was my honor but respectfully those days are over. I am not a servant. I refuse to be the help. I refuse to be used and abused like I was in the past. I’m leaving my past behind me. As I step into this new reality I have to learn from all of my mistakes. Walking into Michael Vincent Academy was a reminder of how far I’ve come. I tell myself “This is the moment you waited for because you worked hard to be here.” I put in the work to believe I can take it easy. Disabled veteran status isn’t completely bad. There are some benefits that come with no longer working. MY mental is what I need to adjust. A part of me is happy and a part of me is sad. I believe I was crying because I knew yet another part of me died.

Happy Veterans Day to all the fallen soldiers. You are appreciated for your service and sacrifice. They say whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I have never felt so strong in my life. This being the lowest I have ever been in my 20s, yet still got to the highest level I never thought was possible for me to reach. That just goes to show that your vibration does not have to determine your location. When my apartment burned down, that would have been a great excuse to give up on MALON SALON. Instead, I was motivated to reach new levels. Walking into this year, I will be starting things that I don’t know. I will be treated like a rookie because I haven’t gotten as much experience as other people but that does not determine my worth or value. We can’t allow our trauma or struggles to stop us from reaching the stars. I pray that God allows me to reach higher levels with my spiritual guides right by my side.

Happiest of Veterans Day to my brothers and sisters! Thank you so much for your service

-Malon Mahotiere *Slim Shady(MAMA)