Hot Mess

Greetings! Today is a very special day. I’m doing my first photoshoot of the year for My Waist Beads. Recently, I saw an interview with Mariah Carey and Jennifer Hudson. Two women who have inspired me to want to sing. Jennifer asked Mariah, “If you weren’t a singer, what do you think you would be doing?” Mariah Carey’s response was “I’d probably be a HOT MESS.” Then Jennifer asked her “You don’t think you would be a beautician?” I read in Mariah Carey’s book that she attended Beauty School but she said she wasn’t good. “A lot of girls deserved to be there, because they were really good. I wasn’t that good and the teachers didn’t like me very much. They don’t like people who are always late to class.” I couldn’t help but think of myself. When I think about where I am on my journey, a HOT MESS is definitely what I would label myself. I put the HOT in Mahotiere. Despite my many attempts to become successful, I feel closer to a mess than success. I’m learning to embrace it. This year is when I realized that no matter how hard I try to be successful, I cant seem to ignore the mess my life became.

It all started once my parents died. What a hot mess that day was. When I was a child, I tried too hard to act like my life was perfect. People probably knew I wasn’t happy with my reality. If I keep smiling, maybe they won’t notice when I’m sad. If I keep laughing, maybe they won’t notice me crying. If I keep on working, maybe they won’t notice how much I’m struggling. Until one day I decided to stop. The day I finally accepted my life for the hot mess it was is when I started feeling better about my life. For once, I didn’t feel the need to lie about my feelings but man has it been lonely. It’s lonely because people would much rather live a lie than accept the truth. People hate the truth of their life. People hate to know that the lies they tell themselves is not their reality. How many times have I lost people because I finally started to wake up to the truth of my life? When I think about how many people are in my life as a result of me living my truth, I only see me and my hot mess. Let’s start with my family.

For some reason, people wanted me to believe I wasn’t an orphan and I was dumb enough to go for it. People wanted me to believe my legal guardian was my Uncle when in reality he is a distant cousin, a relative with no correlation to my father’s journey, legacy or success. My legal guardian lied so much. Part of my life being a hot mess is because of the lies people chose to believe. They chose to believe that Sauveur had a cousin willing to step in to take care of his children. I allowed people to manipulate the truth of my reality by giving him power he never deserved or earned. When I started speaking the truth about how I really felt, no one cared. I tried to clean up the mess..

What is interesting to me about being a HOT MESS is 2 things. I am HOT and there’s a MESSAGE in my MESS. As I reflect on my life I cant ignore the impact I have had on other people. Perhaps it is my fault for showing people the beauty and not the pain. Am I wrong for trying to clean up somebody else’s mess? Is it my fault for attempting to be a success despite the mess that my life has became? Lets go back to when my apartment burned down. Now THAT was a HOT MESS. However, no one seemed to think of how distraught, traumatizing and life changing that was for me. I remember falling apart and no one cared. Okay, maybe they did care but to what extent? I started slowly giving away everything that was given to me as a result of the fire. I never want to be a charity case. Sometimes people think the mess you’re in is a way to clean up their “act”. How foolish would I be to not acknowledge the great lengths people will go to appear good rather than actually be good.

Yesterday I wrote a blog titled #TeamMel to acknowledge what was once a big part of my identity. One day I decided to rebrand into MALON SALON. I wanted people to know the real ME. The person behind the persona. Mel was a persona and although I am grateful for who she was, it was a way to minimize the power of Malon. Why must I shrink myself for other people’s comfortability? This is another way of cleaning up someone else’s MESS. Yes, my parents may have died in a car accident but the MESS that was created as a result of their life being cut short is NOT my own MESS.

It was never my intention to become a HOT MESS but what is my responsibility is to clean up parts of my life that got MESSED UP. It wasn’t my fault. In fact, I blame no one. People can not resist that temptation of power. With great power comes great responsibility. As much as I may despise some of the ugly truths of my life, there is a beautiful story to be told. I have more power than I thought I did. When people started to envy me while sleeping in my car, being homeless and struggling to find a home, that is when I knew. It doesnt matter how much of a HOT MESS I may feel that I am. This has no power of the person that I am destined to be. I have a MESSAGE. I am PROPHECY. People have gained so much from my pain and suffering and still people hoping to profit.

If being a HOT MESS means that I have a TESTimony than I will be the THE BEST HOT MESS that was ever created. For once I stopped feeling sorry for myself. My childhood best friend Len read my blog and responded to it. I sent it to her in the DM. I’m glad we got to speak to one another but that entire conversation triggered me. She was adamant on reminding me of how I reacted towards her but never addressed what made me react. What made me upset is how she failed to acknowledge the mess that was created of my life by the hands of another man. My legal guardian is nothing like the brother of my father. People won’t let go of that “Uncle” title. My REAL Uncle Cami passed away in 2021, God rest his soul. Uncle Cami was my fathers only brother. I had to be very clear with her. “David is NOT my Uncle.” Other than that Len knows I’m a hot mess so everything else towards her is LOVE. It is not her fault my legal guardian served everyone lies. It is not her fault for not understanding the level of jealousy, envy and greed family members had over my mother and father. It is STILL my responsibility to clean up the aftermath MESS from my parents death. Even though this started before I could properly talk. I guess I can say I’m grateful for how far I’ve come on this journey. Despite all the mess, I am dedicated to keeping myself stress free. We all have our days. We all have our ways.

I’m working on mine. Yes I may be a hot mess but I am still very much blessed

That’s all for now.

Thanks for letting me share

-Malon Mahotiere aka Slim Shady aka Mel aka Mama