Love Sick

Hey y’all! I’m back. For some strange reason, my light vs dark blog post got deleted. WEIRD. I guess I’ll have to write about it again. Today I want to talk about LOVE and how sick people get from it. Let’s get into it. First of all, I want to congratulate myself on having a Man to crush on every Monday. Y’all remember that trend? Mondays have always been my favorite day of the week because it starts with the letter M. When I first got instagram, I just graduated High School. Instagram ain’t the same. There were more trends surrounding love and appreciation for people rather than just flexing.

Social media is toxic AF but it is both a blessing and a curse. MY addiction with social media has gotten a lot better but when I was a kid it was BAD. As I grew into my teenage years, I liked it but I got cyber bullied a lot. I also would get into physical fights over internet words. I didn’t like how people could express themselves virtually but in real life you know damn well they wouldn’t say it to your face. This made me an angry bird. Every time I got cyber bullied, I was ready to fight in real life.

Then I turned 18 and realized none of you chickens are worth getting a record for. So once I became legal I promised I wouldn’t put myself in situations where I could possibly get arrested for assault. Then when I started beauty school, I made another promise to myself that I would NOT result to violence no matter what the conflict is due to me being the face and name behind MALON SALON.

Women try me left and right. Why I just let them? Cuz every time I do, I tell myself “growth.” The old Malon was a very angry little girl. I misdirected my anger towards women. I think that is why I changed once I started making my waist beads. I was 15 or 16 and I didn’t see it developing into a business. I realize now my purpose is not to bully or belittle women but instead help and uplift them. Whenever I have conflicts with women its for 1 or 2 reasons: Attention from men, Envy vibes or both.

Now lets talk about love. I never been in love with anyone other than myself. All the people I love are dead. I love people who are alive too. The people I love the most are dead which is my parents. Therefore I don’t take that LOVE word lightly. However people are always throwing it around me. People have said they love me and I choke when it is time to say it back. I choke because I think “NICCA YOU DONT LOVE ME!” Word to Gucci. Now that I think about it, I have never said “I love you” to a man before other than my brothers and even that is not often. I say I love you to my family.

Being in love with myself is the reason why I believe people fall in love with me so easily. I’m not denying that people love me. People really do LOVE me. That’s why I decided to stop focusing so much on the HATE and focus on the LOVE I receive from others. Drake said it best as always “Jealousy is just love and hate at the same time.” So even when someone is jealous of me, I know its out of love. Love turned into a sickness. Love can turn into a disease. They start dissing you easily

If I’m being completely honest, the idea of love makes me SICK. Is that good or bad? Is it bad that I never made love? Nope. I never did. Rihanna knows the deal! People often confuse LUST with LOVE. I know the difference between the two. Lust is annoying. Lust is desperate. Lust is disconnected to spirit. Lust is unintentionally selfish. Lust is a temporary distraction. I can go on but I’ll stop here and focus on LOVE. People think that LOVE at first sight is a rarity and I agree.

Do you believe in love at first sight? My answer is DUH. How else would someone fall in love? I think its hard for people to grasp the concept of love at first sight because it seems delusional. Love has all these expectations and speculations from perception. How people perceive love is distorted. I know love exists because I am an embodiment of it as well as my brothers. We were created from true love. This I know because even in death, my parents still love each other dearly. They are some love birds. Speaking of love birds, I finally wrote my version of Birds in the Sky to heal the little girl inside me. When my mothers birthday passed, I was an emotional wreck. I didn’t feel like making it worse. I spent time editing my memoir instead. Today I decided to write it and I’m glad I did. I want to publish this version FIRST. Then I can put out the other 2 for my brothers inner child in 2024.

Anyways back to LOVE. What are women willing to do for love? That is the question to a lot of their problems.

Love is not a temporary emotion. Love is an action. Love is a lifestyle. Love is a reward and a blessing to those who are given the opportunity to receive it or experience it in its purest form. No one ever believed how IN LOVE my father was with my mom. But guess what else, no one was there when it happened. How would they know? They didn’t see when it happened so they cant determine if its love. No one knew how my parents ended up together. My father just started parading my mother every where and people had to accept it.

Although people were happy for my father, my mother was a target. There is no doubt in my mind that my father fell in love with Mama Rama at the first sight of her. I know this because he married her and took her out the village. Those other African women could NEVER. They were so jealous of her gift. Marriage is a gift to the community in African cultures. My father spent years in Africa teaching before he met my mother. He spent majority of his first marriage staying away from the 1st wife by being in Africa. He saw a lot of women in Africa I’m sure but they wouldn’t receive the same treatment my mom got. They weren’t able to receive my father the way my mom did. That is why they were so MAD. Then when she died, they took it out on ME. I just arrived on earth. Yet here people are hating on a baby because two people loved each other enough to create a child together. Her own sister who is my aunt even hated on my mother’s marriage. She hates me too

I get hated on just for looking and acting like my Mama Rama AND being an American citizen. Something she still isn't. (Where’s ICE Spice when you need it). My parents love made people hate on me even when I wasn’t a fully developed person. “Who hates on a baby?” Words from Cousin Vicky. It took me awhile to process it but people are really SICK when it comes to LOVE.

Love at first sight is not hard to believe when you believe in spiritual connection. Sometimes meeting someone at the right time isn’t necessarily love at first sight but it could be a soul mate connection. Personally, I’ve never experienced “love at first sight” cuz I don’t be looking for men. They find me!

If a man says he’s in love, I believe him! If a woman says she's in love I have to question it. Is it really love sis or are you seeking validation? Are you being desperate? Do you just want some attention? Are you bored? Do you struggle with being alone? Are you filling a void? Is your value and worth determined by a man’s attention? What is your idea of being in love anyway? When men are in love they show it with actions. When women are in love they show it through emotions.

However you have to question when women are in love because a lot of women don’t understand what love is. Just because a woman is emotional does not mean she loves you. Also a woman can love without showing emotions. Love for women is subjective. You really have to know what love means to a woman to know if its love. A lot of women don’t understand love enough to confirm

I’m not trying to put women down but lets start with the baby mama syndrome. Why? Because that is something that makes me SICK. Since I was a baby I knew I never wanted to be a baby mama. In fact, I am so African that I didn’t understand the term at first. Baby Mama? I thought it meant what Joseline said “The grandmas the baby.” When someone explained to me what a “Baby mama” was I thought “THAT IS JUST SICK!” Being a baby mama is not a term of endearment. My logic was always “So what happens when the child grows up?” Being a baby mama is for the bees and not the birds in the sky. You will get stung and it will HURT. Don’t be a bee, be a BIRD. People always say a man should love the woman more for a relationship to work or last but I disagree. It isn’t about who loves who more. The dynamics of love changes depending on the relationship. It may seem like the man loves the woman more but it could be that he’s in a different place in his life than the woman is. I will always use my dead parents as an example of love. They are LOVE BIRDS IN THE SKY. (that is my marketing pitch)

My father was married for almost 20 years before he divorced his first wife. No one talks about how she was a BABY MAMA first. Then he married her. I won’t go into detail since its all in the book. He married her after they had my sister, Sandy, God rest her soul. I do not believe my evil step sisters are my father’s biological children. I believe I may have siblings in different parts of the world. This never even crossed my mind until I started talking to the history teacher named Tom in Las Vegas. Talking about my life is something I can do now but once this book is out, aint no more TALKING.

My father got my mother pregnant when he was in his 50s. Tom told me that is pretty damn old to have kids. I didn’t know. I don’t think about men’s health enough. I just started thinking about that. When he told me having a child in your 50s as a man is not always common I felt so proud! I said WOW. ME and my brothers are SPECIAL. That’s why my parents being dead doesn’t really hurt me.

Respectfully, my father was old. He was going to die eventually and he knew this. He wanted to make sure he had his legacy in order before that happened. When he married my mom it was because he LOVED her. He loved her the day he saw her. I know this because he saw A LOT of Africans but he only married ONE. That is why I believe LOVE at first sight can exist for a man. Women, I’m not sure. Maybe yes or maybe no. Only time will show. Do you know how many times a man sees a woman and LUSTS after them? Every day. Like today this man saw me walking down the street minding my business. He had the courage to actually walk up to me which I really don’t like.

If you got the balls to approach me, you better be ready to catch whatever I throw at you. He wasn’t ready. This man lusted me from a far, interuppted my meditation walk to tell me he wants my number so we can “hook up”. I made him say out of his mouth that he wanted to have sex with me because I wanted him to hear how CRAZY he sounded. You approached me for my number hoping I would have sex with you? So you would be willing to have sex with a woman you don’t even know because of what? Ladies and gentlemen, that is LUST at first sight. I experience it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Every damn day there is a man lusting after me hoping for something that is NEVER going to happen in this life time or the next

Growing up in Atlanta, men lusted after me there too but they respected me as a person because of how I moved. Therefore, the lust would fade and I could actually have male friends. Also people have always assumed I belonged to a man since I turned 18. The older I got, the more people would ask me “Who’s your man?” “Are you married?” “Are you somebody’s wife? “You look like someone’s wife.” They would even be afraid of some make believe husband. “Your man not gonna be mad that I’m talking to you?” Meanwhile, I’m single and celibate. Clearly, these men saw my future husband before I did. I was always confused by their words and concern. These men saw something in me that I still don’t understand. It may not be meant for me to understand since I am a woman. Men have intuition just as much as women. The only difference is women intuition is based off an intense emotion whereas men trust their instincts, logic and possibly higher knowledge if they’re the spiritual type. Since I have brothers, I see the different dynamics of intuitions between men and women.

We may never know why a man loves a woman and it may not be meant for other people to know. What I do know is that people do HATE when a man is in LOVE. As a product of my parents love, I must say that the price of love will cost you some haters. I’m not worried for myself because I know what I experienced being my parents last child. I’m mindful. I know how to move when its time for me to be in LOVE. The idea alone gives me nausea. That is why healing needs to happen first. I don’t doubt my self love but I don’t believe I received the proper love after my parents death. People loved me but no one will ever love you like your parents and that’s okay. I accepted that as my life. Love can come in different forms. I appreciate tough love. I appreciate love in other forms that may seem foreign to people. I have family members that love me and those that don’t care enough to do so. Again love is an action. Indifference is not love or intimacy according to Matthew Kelly (7 Levels of Intimacy book). Even when it comes to friendships, I can tell the difference now between a friend that loves me and someone using me for their own benefit.

People think because I grew up without parents that I don’t know what it means to love but I am love. Therefore, I don’t have to accept anything as love unless it resonates to the core essence of my being. Y’all not deep enough for me. Y’all are super shallow at surface level. In order to really love me, you better be willing to go into the deep depths of the ocean to find that buried treasure.

THE HEART lies in the treasure chest. THAT is my idea of love. My idea of love isn't about lust, sex or money. This is my perception: Love is the foundation for growth. As things progress that’s when more things follow as a result: inspiration, respect, motivation, support, intimacy and more. MUCH MORE to come once you’re at the root of love. Watch and see how it grows. A beautiful thing is about to blossom. That is the core foundation. We don’t have to build on a foundation. I don’t believe in “building up a man”. Sprinkle Sprinkle.

At the foundation of love, you can transform, transcend and expand. You grow in depth. You excel beyond your limits but building is not necessary if love is on a solid foundation. A lot of y’all won’t understand this logic because you are too busy trying to force love into your life. That is not how it works. You have to love yourself and allow it to come to you. If you are meant to be loved by a man, HE WILL FIND YOU. Women should learn to love themselves enough to not depend on a man for love. A man will love you more for that.

Once you master that, then come talk to me about LOVE. We all want to love and be loved both men and women. People in general need love. Love is the answer to a lot of problems. Seeking for love as a woman will leave you SICK so stop. I am saying all of this because I was once SICK from trying to get the wrong people to love me. I wanted LOVE so bad that I was willing to hang around anyone. Even people who didn’t even like me, I couldn’t tell anyway. If they could use me because of my desperation for love, then just call me Towelie cuz they used me every time they got the chance to.

I’m glad I opened my eyes and realized what was happening to me. I’m glad I woke up and started loving myself. The more I started loving myself, the more lonely I got. I questioned my loneliness until recently dealing with Rose. I told myself “Being alone is better than being around fake love.”

Love was something I admired but I didn’t know if I would ever achieve it for myself. I would people please and do anything so people would love me. That may have given me a decent position in terms of career or business but in all honesty, the best love I ever received was the love I gave to me when I needed it the most. No one else was there but me in my darkest hours. Yes I do have Michelle and Victoria when I feel low but they have their own life to live. I’m speaking in terms of isolation. I spent almost 9 years without sex. That was because I loved myself AND my vagina THAT MUCH to do so. I challenge you ladies to try it out. Baby girl won’t you F WITH MY PIMPING, try it out, try it out, try it out, YEAH. If you’re about that life. When I started loving myself, I never felt better. I cured myself by pouring love back into me. The love I desperately wanted from others always existed inside of me, I just needed to tap into it. The best part of doing that is, it allowed me to accept love for what it is without judgment. Like my brothers for example, I know they love me but they are toxic. You can love someone from a distance.

You can love a person that isn’t ideally a “good” person but I would be careful with doing that.

Wasting your love on people who do not know how to properly love you can also make you sick. Especially if they don’t love themselves enough. Be careful of those who love you more than themselves. Obsession isn’t love either. I think that falls closer to LUST. If a man is obsessed with you, he is either madly in love with you or just simply mad. You have to be careful with obsessesion. That word is too close to possession which is another form of control which isn’t LOVE. That is ego. When I became mentally ill, it was because I was surrounded by people who were using me for their own benefit. I thought these fools loved me. Why? My healed self ask that question. “Why would they love you when they hated your mother and your father for loving her too?” I was emotionally manipulated into thinking love was something it wasn’t. Thankfully I got away from those people. Beauty School was my outlet. Once I tapped deeper into myself, I found the love I always knew existed. I started attracting people who loved me for ME. People starting expressing their love for me without even fully knowing me. My self love energy radiated with others. This isn’t something I always experienced. I used to attract people seeking validation. Subconsciously I was doing the same. When you start loving yourself, you will attract people who also love themselves

I say all of this to say that LOVE is powerful. Love is the answer. I believe LOVE is more powerful than money in a lot of ways. There are some things you just can’t put a price on. The love my father had for my mother was PRICELESS. Believing that love exists is the first step. Loving yourself is next. Then if love at first sight happens CONGRATULATIONS!

You are about to be loved.

Since my last blog got deleted, I will use the topic on my next blog: Light vs Dark energy.

Reminder: if you ever feel sick from love, reexamine your emotions. Look deeper into yourself and ASK, is this love or am I being manipulated with my own emotions to believe this person actually cares for me? Do I love myself enough for this person to love me in a way that resonates with my self love?

Some women are too afraid to ask themselves that question because they already know the answer. Their ego believe the lies they tell themselves so they don’t bother to know the truth. This is why I don’t idolize people’s relationship. I see a lot of women with men using them for their own ego. Meanwhile sis is happy she’s getting used. If you like it I love it but I don’t want that for me. I’ve been used enough. I will take my idea of love any day. Why do other women pour themselves into a man that is depleting? Once he is full with your energy, he will discard what is left. THAT IS NOT LOVE.

P.S. Sex doesn’t mean love either which is why lust at first sight isn’t a crime. Men do it all the time. HOWEVER: Men can love a woman without having sex just as much as they can have sex with a woman they don’t really love. Fair Game. Don’t hate the players, don’t hate the game. Learn it.

Have fun playing

Love Always,

-Malon Mahotiere (Slim Shady)