Mahma Rahma

Today’s Rahmatoullahy Barry Mahotiere’s birthday who also happens to be Malon’s birth mother. Happy Birthday to my African Queen. Today I spent time reflecting. I also spent some time people watching. Celebrating my mother’s birthday wasn’t too difficult because I saw a lot of mother’s with their children. I decided to go to the beach. I’m technically a beach baby. I was born in Conakry, Guinea. There are a lot of beaches there. I guess that’s why I love beaches so much. Today on the beach I was able to edit my book. I stopped when I realized one important factor. My hip condition started from childhood. This isn’t something I thought about. After reviewing my book, I decided my hip problem is more severe than I considered. I don’t want to go into detail but lets just say my child abuse case started at Age 4 in Greenwich, Connecticut. Living in Greenwich was both a wonderful and horrible experience. I never wanted to leave Greenwich. My childhood shifted after we left Greenwich but that’s another story. All of this made me realize two things: First thing is that I still have an inner child that needs healing and second thing is Motherhood is coming sooner than later.

When I think about motherhood, I always think of my mother. My body doesn’t feel ready for motherhood but being African makes me feel otherwise. I wish I could ask my mother questions about giving birth to me in Africa vs giving birth to my brothers in America. I always hear horror stories about women giving birth in American hospitals. If I give birth, I want it to be at home.

My Waist Beads has definitely helped women with infertility issues become mothers. I’ve seen results as quickly as 3 months that helped at least 3 different women successfully conceive.

Giving birth is not a privilege, it is a blessing. Some women may not experience what it means to give birth but that does not mean they can’t experience motherhood. I believe any woman has the potential to be a mother even if she hasn’t given birth. I read a book titled “Sex without Fear”. This book had a lot of information about reproduction. One chapter said that a woman can give birth to up to 20 children as long as she is healthy enough to do so. When I looked up the oldest age for a woman to give birth, a lot of different things popped up. Some sites said nothing over 45, while others said 50s. According to the Guiness World record, a woman gave birth at 57 holds the highest record. That reminds me of my Father. He was 57 when he got my mother pregnant. Since I am the LAST child of my father, a part of me wondered if he had other children before marrying my mom. 57 is pretty old to have a child but my mother was a lot younger than my dad. She was age 33 when she died, so she had to be at least 32 when she got pregnant with me. Since I was a child I believed my mothers life was short lived. I know I will outlive her but it took a long time to accept her death. I know she did not want to leave her children. For a long time I carried a pain for my mother because of the life she didn’t have. I mourned the life I know she wouldn’t get to experience with me. My motherly instincts have heightened over the years. From me and my mother’s spirit, I can sense my Mother Nature.

I’m not ready to be a mother just yet. I am open to the idea of preparing for that new chapter. I believe I need to heal the little girl in me first. I didn’t realize how broken she may be feeling. I think healing your inner child will help before having children so you don’t feel triggered. There’s a reason why I am cautious when it comes to dating a man with kids. Depending on the child, and the age, there may be some trigger points. For example, I’ve dated men with children and baby mama drama. Buddy #4 had the youngest child, the baby was 3 months. I would never date a man with an infant. When I first visited LA, I dated a medical student. He never mentioned having a kid but his kid was around 8. I forgot how I found out. The age of the child wasn’t the issue but him not mentioning his kid was a red flag. Then there was a guy I dated in LA after moving out of Atlanta, we will call him T. T told me he had a 2 year old a month after dating. A 2 year old is too young. When it comes to dating men with children I have boundaries. Those boundaries are: the child needs to be at least Age 4. Any signs of neglect, abuse or abandonment causes for automatic termination, meet the child if the relationship is serious.

Boundary number one is because of my own inner child healing. I believe any Age before 4 is too emotionally triggering for me. I need the child to be at a certain age before I consider dating.

Boundary number two is because of my own child hood trauma. I cannot be with a man that displays any of those behaviors with children. That’s why I question those men who deny their kids or those who try to “hide” them. It makes me believe they may be capable of child abandonment or neglect.

Boundary number three is to prevent abandonment wounds. I would not want to date a man with a child and develop a temporary bond. I would rather build no bond at all with the child if the father only sees the relationship as “temporary”. Kids get attached easily. Therefore I don’t want to feel guilty for abandoning a child that isn’t mine if the relationship doesn’t work out. If there is no guarantee of the relationship, I wouldn’t want to build a relationship with the child. Only when and if the relationship is guaranteed serious

These boundaries don’t just apply to relationships with men. This also goes for women who have kids. I have boundaries when it comes to having friendships with some women who have children. The boundaries are pretty similar. The boundaries for motherhood friendships are: The child has to be at least 4 before we start being outside again. Any signs of abandonment, abuse or neglect as a mother is automatic termination of the friendship. Last boundary, don’t allow me to meet your children then tell me about personal family matters about your child’s wellbeing that may lead to me calling CPS on you. That is too triggering.

I don’t think I have to go into detail when it comes to these boundaries. However I will say that I do evaluate women based off of the type of mother they are. Since I didn’t have my mother, I hold motherhood to a high regard. I’ve seen my sister get pregnant 4 times. She has 5 children by 4 men. There was no way I saw her life and wanted that for myself. Every time she got pregnant, I thought about what that may be for me. I used to look up to my sister in the Army but I started losing respect for her as a mother. I’m glad I saw an example of what not to be. I’m preparing for motherhood. I don’t mind dating a man with kids. My mother knew my father had kids before he married her. However, we don’t know HOW MANY children he had. I may have to go on a quest to find that out!

Happy Birthday to my Mama Rahma! I aspire to be like you in my own way. Thank you for helping me blossom into the woman that I am today. I cant wait to be a MAMA and live mom life for the both of us

Love Always,

Malon Mahotiere