30 days after 30-Pre Valentines Day week

Greetings Royal Family! Happy Waist Bead Wednesday! Last night I realized that it has officially been 30 days since I turned the BIG Flirty 30. The last 30 days have definitely been significant for me. Now we are preparing for Valentines Day which is in exactly 1 week from today. I’m happy to know that Valentines Day falls on #WaistbeadWednesday. However I have no plans for that day other than planning new things. Typically I hate Valentines Day. If I had to ask myself which holiday I hated more between Christmas and Valentines Day it would be a close draw. Hate is such a strong word but the discontentment that I feel when it is time to celebrate these days is a strong emotion. I watched the comedian Marlon Wayans interview with Big Boy and he asked him what his plans were for the holiday. Before answering, he asked “Are you dating anyone?” The way the word “No” came out of his mouth with a sharp tone told me everything I needed to know. He went on to say that he’s the Valentines Day grinch and he uses that day to celebrate his children. What was interesting to me was his adamant perspective on hating Valentines Day. This is coming from another “celebrity” I used to admire when I was a kid. Marlon Wayans was always my favorite out of their tribe because his name looked so similar to mine. I get offended when people confuse MALON with MARLON. When I discovered that his parents passed away, I felt empathetic for him and his family. I realize more now how the celebrities I grew up watching and admiring experience very emotionally challenging things. People often think that fame, money and power will bring happiness. People have forgotten what it means to feel loved and valued. With Valentines Day approaching, I decided to have a change of heart.

I can relate to Marlon Wayans feelings of hating the Valentines Day holiday but that will only create more bitterness in the heart. They say women mature faster than men. I guess that’s why I cant date someone my own age. Dating older men doesn’t mean that he will be anymore mature than necessary. Older guys are just as immature if they choose to be. The misconception about Valentines Day is that it is just any other day. People would rather argue about how meaningless it is to celebrate love on the 14th of February rather than using that day to embrace the love you do have in your life. When we think about love as a whole, it is a lot more challenging than what people anticipate. I can admit that I have never been in love with anyone other than myself. It took me a long time to love myself. As much as I love myself, there are still things that I don’t like.

Yesterday I decided to cut my hair. I cut off as much as my alter ego “Slim Shady” as I could so I could get back to my real self. I am reading this book about “The Real Self” which inspired me to do some more inner work. If I ever expect for someone to love me, I need to love me. Sometimes it’s hard for me to appreciate who I am naturally. I would blame my trauma but we cant keep blaming our trauma on our shortcomings. At some point you will need accountability for responsibility. There’s always the need to feel like you have to do more. For once I wanted to get comfortable with doing nothing to myself. Self love is not just a trend. It’s a journey. On my own self love journey I remained celibate for what will almost be a decade. I had all these expectations of my love life. I have been open to the idea of ending my celibacy journey for the sake of love. In the words of Trey Songs, “Sex aint better than love.” However most people would rather take the sex if that means avoiding a way more meaningful connection.

What I learned about myself in the last 30 days is that I am a lot more open to loving someone than I have ever been before in my life but being open to love is not enough. You have to truly desire it and also believe that it can exist. I think that is where a lot of people get lost. A lot of people are still stuck on the hurt from someone or something. What happened to you or what happened for you? Sometimes things happen to teach us a lesson. Lets take a relationship for example. If you are just coming out of a break up, you may ask “What happened to me? I am not the same person I was before this relationship.” Instead of feeling sorry for yourself because the relationship ended ask yourself “What happened for me in that relationship? How can I be better for the next one?” Perception is everything. For someone who has never been married, I can imagine being attached to one person for a lifetime can seem like a very irrational decision but it is all about how you perceive that. I am realizing how different I am than most women because of my perception. I am not being arrogant when I say this. I am being aware.

My mother and father had the ideal marriage and relationship in my opinion. When they died, their love transformed into other forms. That is what I believe. People can have a hard time believing in love but they will believe in spirits and ghosts. One of the biggest obstacles of healing from grief was accepting that they are in a better place together. I would much rather my parents be together than without one another because I know how much they loved each other. The older I get, the more I realize how rare it is to find a love that they had.

Even for myself, a product of their love.

There is no right way to receive love. There is no wrong way to express love. What there isn’t enough of, is genuine love. Having a genuine loving connection with someone (to me) is having an understanding of that person for who they are and appreciate them without judgement. Love can be a lot of things but it should not be condemned. If you are someone who condemns love than you may be someone who didn’t experience genuine love. I told Michelle my idea of love is this: “Love is honest. Love is acceptance. Love is appreciation. Love is non judgement and love is joy without reason.” I will explain why this is my idea. People who lie because they don’t want to “hurt” you are simply deceiving you and deception is not a way to love. When people avoid telling me things because they don’t want to “hurt” me, I put them in the category of someone who is not to be trusted in certain circumstances. I know that you will not speak from a place of truth when it comes to me and rather speak from a place of reason.

Reasoning is not always what you need if the truth will set you free. If someone loves you, they will tell you the truth even if its not what you want to hear. There’s always ways to conceal information if you need to but honesty to me is a form of love. Acceptance is another way to love. People do not always accept a person after their fantasy fades. The idea of someone sounds great. For example, men always fetish over African women. They have sexual fantasies about being with a woman who comes from Africa because it seems erotic and kinky. Regardless if the stereotype is true, you will see the true meaning behind how someone feels about you once your fantasy fades away. The reality of dating an African woman is a culture shock. Suddenly, you are not used to the way she does things because it is so different. You cannot accept that she has her own set of cultures and traditional values. Rather than accepting the reality of an African woman, you may search for someone else who can maintain the fantasy. That leads to my next idea of love being appreciation. Rather than being controlling to change an African girl to your standards, why not appreciate her for who she is. I think appreciation is a lost art. Many relationships fail because someone does not feel appreciated.

My last 2 ideas of love is that it is non judgement and joy without reason. There is a lot of people who are afraid to love again after being heart broken. There are people afraid to love because they are afraid of vulnerability. There are people who are afraid to love because they don’t know if they will do it properly since they have never had proper love in their life. As common as this can be, we shame those who attempt to love beyond their fears. We should be encouraging people who try to love after abuse, trauma, separation or pain. There is no reason to judge someone who wants love but yet society shames those who are struggling with it.

People are allowed to feel whatever emotions they have when it comes to love but we cannot judge. For example, I hear men talk about dealing with women who have “daddy issues”. While listening to these men discuss their opinions and express their frustration with women who still have that “hurt little girl” inside of them, I couldn’t help but think this is part of the problem. Women can argue that men have the same issues with “mommy issues”. Rather than being open to try and understand someone’s emotional setback, we judge and criticize them.

If there is one thing I learned in my 20s, is that I am far from perfect. This is also why I stayed far away from dating. I would rather be judged for my professional career than have someone criticize me for my personal or romantic relationships or lack there of. Even with being celibate for almost 10 years, I get judged and criticized for that too. We can never be good enough for people who choose to see us as less than. Which leads to my last idea of love, joy without reason. I believe if someone wants you to experience joy without a reason for it that is the purest form of love and that should not be taken for granted. When I say joy, I think it is because happiness isn’t enough.

Joy is described as a feeling of great pleasure and happiness. Happiness is an emotion that can lead to joy but typically it is a temporary emotion. There is a guarantee that you will not feel happiness for every second of your relationship however to experience joy can persists throughout a relationship. Without a reason to want them to experience joy confirms you are not seeking gratification, approval or validation. Knowing someone you love is experiencing joy should be enough. If you only want someone to experience joy that somehow translates to yourself then that is not genuine love. My last idea of love is that it is selfless. This is why self love is the best love but you can only be on that journey for so long.

I’m going to end this here because this is where I’m stuck. I’m transitioning from what it means to love me, myself and I only to loving someone else

Eventually one day you will attract someone who will love you beyond the love you give yourself. When you work on loving yourself, you will attract those who also love themselves. You will attract better love in all other forms. Do not deny yourself this love. Embrace it! Self love is the foundation but the love doesn’t stop with yourself. Allow yourself to take that next step in your journey and experience what it means to love beyond yourself.

I hope you all get real good love on Valentines Day. If you’re like me and have no idea what you’re going to do on that day, my word of advice is to just be positive. Don’t be bitter on Valentines Day. Use that day to express love to anyone you can even if it is just for yourself that day.

Love Always,

-Malon Mahotiere