Superbowl Sunday

Greetings! Today is Super Bowl Sunday and I am in Las Vegas baby! I love Las Vegas. I really want to move here but I need to slow things down a bit. Speaking of moving, I am happy to announce on this beautiful Super Bowl Sunday that this will be my last time staying in a Hotel for a while. Yes that Air bnb, Hotel hopping struggle bus has officially come to a stop. It’s over. This is both the end and the beginning of a new chapter on my journey. Being homeless is something that I will never ever forget! I never want to forget it either. I always want to be aware of how transformative that period was for me mentally, physically and emotionally. When I got the keys to my new place, I didn’t cry.

For some reason I always cry happy tears of joy but this time was different. I didn’t cry but I wasn’t sad. I just simply walked into my place and started unpacking my bag. When I was homeless, I would always have to leave wherever I was staying which became exhausting. Being a “Nomad” became a norm. I had a routine. I would buy new clothes when it was time to do laundry. I would buy Uber eats instead of cooking myself a meal or eating a snack. I would buy bags and suitcases anytime I found one for a good price because I knew I was going to have to pack my stuff up eventually. The type of coupons and deals I would get from Priceline was addicting. For someone who lived the homeless life, I can say that I made that sh!t look good. I wouldn’t wish that lifestyle on my worst enemies. Although I didn’t realize how many enemies I truly had until I was at my lowest. God humbled me beyond belief and sometimes I still am in disbelief. What makes me feel good is knowing that I didn’t lose myself in the face of adversity. I didn’t lose focus on my career. I literally just kept going as much as I could until I got burned out. A part of me still feels a little burned out. I never gave myself the chance to rest. When the fire happened, I just felt the need to work into overdrive. I didn’t know how to get myself out of that situation. I wasn’t sure which direction I should go in. I just became very aimless.

We’re in a New year and I am entering a new phase of my age. Starting my 20s, I had a strong determination to get myself to a certain point in life. I knew I didn’t want to work for people. I knew I wanted to have my own business. I wanted to be my own boss. I had a lot of dreams and aspirations. Now that I’m 30, I have to say that I’m proud of myself despite everything including being homeless. There’s nothing no one could ever tell me about myself. No one could ever make me feel less than. No one could ever take away the confidence I have in myself to overcome anything. I literally overcame homelessness. I had no idea how I would get out of that situation. I couldn’t get myself to cry tears of joy because I was stunned. I was in shock at the reality of having a place for myself again. The woman who helped me moved in had the last name “Goodrich” and I just knew that was a good sign. Not only was she adamant about getting my apartment, she also looked out and got me to move in a week later after my first meeting with her.

A lot people don’t know that I am no longer homeless. If you’re reading this than it’s too late. If you don’t know, now you know! Please hold the congratulations, this isn’t an accomplishment. This is a requirement. There’s absolutely no reason I should have been without a home for myself as long as I went but I did. Those days are over.

During my time being homeless, I was able to see people for who they are. I don’t see people for their potential anymore or what they could be because that serves nothing if they are not working towards that. I see you for exactly what you present to me. However, I am grateful for those who don’t do that. I am grateful for the people I met during those times who didn’t see my circumstances but instead they saw my smile, or maybe my spirit. The people who saw something in me beyond what I was going through during those times are the people I think about the most and majority of them are strangers. I love those people.

With Valentines Day approaching, I must say that I am most definitely feeling the love. I don’t even care if I don’t have a Valentine or if I’m single on that day. If I don’t go on a date then oh well. What is more important to me is that I have real love in my life. Something I never took the time to appreciate before. For many years I couldn’t tell the difference between people who loved me vs people who tolerated me or people who just wanted to use me or take advantage. I didn’t know what it meant for someone to be jealous of your life.

Having people, especially women show their jealous spirit during my times of homelessness was probably the most disheartening thing I ever experienced. I didn’t understand the energy I was getting. This is why I am staying to myself. This is why I’m so private. I find pride and joy in keeping secrets to myself. The only people I really talk to about what I have going on is my brothers. Although our relationship is toxic, I try to have my boundaries with my brothers. However, they’re not people who don’t want good things for my life. My brothers has always been more encouraging for me to succeed.

People love when you are doing good but not better than them. People love when they feel like they are doing so much better than you. People love to feel like they are more superior than you, therefore I have no desire to tell anyone that I am no longer homeless. If you want to believe that you’re life is better than mine than go right ahead. If you want to be jealous because my life isn’t what yours is, I’m not going to be bothered by that either.

Being a “Nomad” showed me that there is no reason to be mad.

As long as I continue to be accountable for my actions, I will be just fine. I am aware that I may have rubbed people the wrong way or upset people during my times of distress. I understand that I may have sabotaged opportunities or relationships because of my circumstances. The level of shame that I felt for being homeless was indescribable. The level of vulnerability that I had to reach was a nightmare for me but it was what I needed. I had a bad habit of feeling like I could do everything. I was the girl that didn’t want any help. I was that stubborn goat who thought she could do it all and I did. I did do it all. That’s what I’m realizing. Now that it’s all said and done, what do you have to show for yourself? What do you feel? Do you feel your work was worth it? Yes and no. As grateful as I am for the work I have done, I could have allowed others to help me on my journey. So much healing needed to happen. I became tired of acting like I had everything under control. I got tired of acting like everything was okay when I knew things were never okay. By the time I decided to speak out about things, I already created an image of strength. I hate that black women cannot have a moment of weakness without feeling shame. Why is it when other race of women express their concerns and fears resulting from pain or trauma, they are empathized with. When black women express their struggles with pain or trauma, we get ignored or shunned.

I cant tell you how many times I tried to cry out for help until finally one day I just got tired of crying out for it. I helped myself. I healed myself. I went deep inside myself and made things better the best I could.

I got tired of trying to get people to understand the pain that I felt.

Now that I’m in a better position, I can focus on healing again. When I was younger, I would tell my legal Guardian that all I wanted was a family since I came from a broken family. He would get upset. For many years of my life, people wanted me to deny my reality. My parents died and that broke my family apart. There is no denying that. What I learned is, people don’t like to address the feelings of your discomfort if they believe they are the source or cause of it. My legal guardian created more brokenness within my family and I knew it. All I did was express my desire for my own family and he took it to heart. I no longer hold on to anger for my legal guardian. In fact, I forgive him. I forgive him for myself and for my well being. I forgive him for the other orphan children in the world who will experience someone like that. I can admit that I was emotionally manipulated into thinking this person cared about me but I learned my lesson. There are some people who will never realize they are being taken advantage of or manipulated. There are people who have the enemy so close to them and they don’t think nothing of it. There are people who willingly keep people who are envious of them around.

For the sake of not being alone, people will dance with devils and demons. I’m glad I had the period of isolation during homelessness. I learned what it means to not only love myself but understand what it means for people to love you. Love doesn’t mean control. Love shouldn’t be exchanged with some financial gain or compensation. IF someone truly loves you, than you should know by their actions. Love should be free and harmless. Love should be challenging but also liberating. Love is what set me free. The love God has for me. The love my parents and ancestors had for me helped me get into a better living environment. No love could ever compare to the love you receive when you need it the most. I do not regret anything.

Hope yall enjoy the Super bowl/ Usher concert today!

Be blessed.

Love Always,

Malon Mahotiere