Twas the night before V-Day

Good evening! Tonight is the night before Valentines Day and I thought I should share my thoughts before the holiday arrives at midnight tonight. I’m still in Las Vegas until further notice. Last year I spent my Valentines Day in Las Vegas and I remember feeling depressed. There is something I learned in the book “The Search for the Real Self” Unmasking the personality disorders of our age by Ames F Masterson. This book taught me about abandonment depression and the types of people that struggle with it. I am one of those types of people described in the book. The book helps me remember why I pick and choose when I want to kill my ego. Right now my ego is dead. I’m planning to bring it back to life when it starts getting hotter outside. I put the HOT in Mahotiere. Now that I’m not homeless anymore, being outside really hit different. I typically would hate tomorrow. I dread Valentines Day every year just like I dread Christmas, Mothers Day, and Fathers Day. Although Valentines Day would probably be the Holiday that I’ve always wanted to celebrate, I never celebrate it.

When I was younger, I loved Valentines Day. I loved making cards for the entire class. I loved giving my friends gifts and I just overall enjoyed the holiday until I grew up. Once I reached middle school, Valentines Day became the day to “show” how much you care or don’t. That was when I started hating the holiday. People would use that day to show how much they really don’t care about you.

For me it all started in the 6th grade. (Disclaimer: I don’t consider any of my relationships from my childhood as “real” relationships.) As a young girl I was so excited for my stupid childhood boyfriend to give me some extravagant gift but instead he gave me some crummy candy and a coupon to Krispy Kreme doughnuts. So it was only right that I broke up with him that next day. Valentines Day in middle school wasn’t nearly as bad as High School. My boyfriend freshman year was supposed to celebrate Valentines Day with me but we got into an argument a few days before which I believe he did on purpose. What made me really upset was the fact that Valentines Day was on a Saturday that year. I thought it was the perfect day to go out together. That day my nieces were at my home. They came to my room and said “Auntie Malon, your boyfriend is here.” I went to the door but he wasn’t there. He left my gifts with them. He got me a zebra stuffed animal since I told him that was my favorite animal and Reeses my favorite candy.

Even though we were broken up, he got me something but I was upset. I was happy I got a gift but I was mad that I had to spend the day alone. We ended up getting back together but I broke up with him in March for that Valentines Day stunt. I realized that he didn’t care enough about me instead he just liked the attention he got by me being his girlfriend.

My senior year in High School was the absolute worst but it gets even worse after High School. My childhood boyfriend who passed away from suicide tried to make me feel some type of way. He was a basketball player but when he went off to college he hit a lace blunt and aint been right since. He died last year and one of my ex childhood friends DM’d me to tell me. I’m thinking “I don’t give a damn!” Once I found out he died from suicide I’m not gonna lie, I felt bad for not caring about his death. However, he didn’t seem to care about my feelings when he came in my chorus class to give his light skin curly hair cheer leader girl friend a huge teddy bear. This was his way of trying to make me feel “insecure” for choosing her over me.

Before her, he would buy candy from me every day. He would let me cheat off his paper in class. We would talk on the phone for hours. I found out that he was messing with one of my homegirls and when I confronted him about it of course he lied. Then we broke up over it but got back together until the basketball season started. Now all of a sudden, I’m not the focus anymore. The homegirl he messed with ended up telling me that he was dating the light skin cheerleader. I wasn’t upset at her. Only because I knew her way before him. I was mad at him for trying to play me not once but twice.

Something guys would try to do is “side chick” me and then parade the light skin girl as the girlfriend. It would give the impression that the brown skin girl isn’t good enough to be claimed but the light skin girl gets the girlfriend treatment. As a brown skin girl I would like to advise this: Any man that tries to keep you a “secret” is probably not someone you should be with. CJ’s death did nothing for me but I could never speak down on someone’s mental health. However no one ever cared about my mental health and how their actions would effect me. Great thing I was always confident enough to focus on myself. I gave up on men loving me the way I saw other girls get loved. I wanted to love me.

Valentines Day after High School was even worse. I was a freshman in college and I dated this other basketball player. After high school he decided to coach little kids. I thought this relationship would go well. I tweeted “I wish I could play basketball.” Then he replied “I’ll teach you.” He slide in my DM’s and I gave him my number. Everything was cool until it wasn’t. He helped me with my school project and he would really help teach me how to play basketball. I thought he was a catch. Valentines Day was the test of our relationship. He asked to spend the day with me. I thought to myself “Wow. My first Valentines Day date.” I was so excited. I got an A on my project because of him. I was so excited to leave campus and get ready for our date. We were going to double date with me and my best friend at the time. Before arriving to my home, I see this man sitting with his ex. Another girl I knew from school.

God wanted me to see what he was doing. How did I walk into the wing spot across from my house and see this man sitting with his ex? This is after he texted me saying he was on the way to my house. I could not believe it. My best friend convinced me to still go on the double date so I did. That was the last date though because his ex hit me up. Since she knew me since middle school, she very politely asked me to please leave her ex alone so she can try and get him back so I did. The year after my college freshman year was even worse! I actually had a boyfriend. I hate that man. I would blame him for my bitterness towards men. I had no business dating him. I remember I was sick on Valentines Day but this man didn’t care. He didn’t come see me until 10pm that night. Another horrid Valentines.

Ironically, the best Valentines Day I ever had was in Basic Military Training. Our MTI (Military Training Instructor) let us make phone calls and eat outside food. Something we weren’t able to do. My wingman was a redhead lesbian white girl named Brock. We told everyone that we were each others Valentines even though we were just joking. Brock had a girlfriend at the time but we were close during training since our beds were next to each others. After joining the military, I stopped having horrible Valentines Day. I would usually use that day to do something nice for myself. I would go out with friends or just go out alone but after so many years I started to get depressed. That is when the abandonment depression would kick in. After me and my childhood best friend fell out, Valentines Day would be rough. I didn’t even have a homegirl to distract me from that horrid day. I typically would spend the day crying. I would avoid social media.

This year, I’m not going to be depressed because I’m feeling blessed. I can honestly say in the last 6 months of my life I have made a conscious effort to try and love again. I tried dating. I was even open to having sex again until I realized that might not give me the love I need. I don’t even know what type of love I need. I do know my depression on Valentines Day derives from my abandonment depression.

I’m working through this “abandonment depression” issue. I started going back to therapy. Every Monday they talk for an hour and a half and I just listen. I don’t put in any input because I’m done oversharing. People don’t care until you get over whatever you’re going through. That’s why I don’t care as much about being alone on Valentines Day because I’m just glad I’m not homeless any more. That was the best Valentines Day gift I could have given myself. I’m just glad my children book “Birds in the Sky” is being published. These are things that I should be happy about because they will help me with this “abandonment depression”. Having somewhere to call my home makes me feel like people do care about my well being. The lady who got me my place called me on Monday and said “Hey Malon, are you home right now?” I said no but I cant describe how it felt to hear that question.

After my therapy session I got an email from Amazon publishing saying that my book should be live within a couple of days. This was right after receiving the call from Ms. Goodrich asking if I was home so someone can come steam my carpet. I was so happy for that phone call and happy for that email. Prior to both, I was crying. I felt sad but I didn’t know why. The fear of being alone is the main trigger of abandonment depression.

Sometimes people will isolate themselves on purpose because they think it will save them from their fears of being abandoned. I was one of those. In my attempt to love, I realized that my biggest fear is losing it. I realized that these fears erupt once you establish a relationship with someone. Avoiding men was my specialty so I never really had these type of fears before. I can admit that I never cared before. If I have to be alone, it’s because I choose to be. Now that I’m 30 I had to really ask myself “Why would you choose this?” As attractive as I may be to someone, I still felt it was too difficult to get a man to love me the way I wanted them to. I gave up on love a long time ago. It wasn’t something I wanted to do but I just didn’t feel like getting disappointed. I was tired of being let down.

This Valentines Day, I don’t have to be alone. I can spend it with my nieces which is what I did last year. I wanted to spend the holiday with someone I love so I took my baby niece and nephew out to eat. Tomorrow I don’t know what I’m going to do but I’m definitely going to use that day for self care.

Last night, I went to the studio for the first time in a long time. Tonight I’m going back. I recorded my 3rd song ever. As much as I love to sing, I don’t have any recorded music. Even though I’m not a famous musician yet, I am very particular about creating music. I cant create in a toxic space. I have had horrible experiences in studios with producers or other artists. Music is great but the business side of things can get a little ugly. I guess that’s why I’ve been dragging my feet with it. I need a safe space to create and I got that last night. I was so happy to record but when I woke up this morning, I didn’t like a lot of things about it. Overall I thought the melody and song was dope, but I felt that I could have done better vocally for the type of melody it was. I’m going back to rerecord it and possibly record more songs. Being in the studio last night made me feel alive. It made me feel like that’s exactly where I need to be. I say all that to say this, yes its Valentines Day tomorrow but I’m not worried about a lover or a friend. All I care about is if people love the music that I create for lovers and friends.

There’s so many things you can be in this world but I refuse to be bitter. You can be anything you want so why be a hater? I can be a singer, model, actress, dancer or performer. I don’t have to allow the negative things that have happened in my past to define me or my future. To whoever it may concern, I have no exes and I’m a virgin. With Valentines Day being tomorrow, I don’t think I could have picked a better day to start recording music.

Love is something that is powerful. I would like to argue that love is more powerful than money. However love can also be detrimental. For someone who takes love very seriously, I just don’t care to be invested emotionally into anyone. Unless a man can make me feel like it is safe to love them, I’ll just continue to love myself. There’s a lot of fears that people have when it comes to loving someone.

For all the love I’ve given people I believe I deserve love also. I forgive myself for loving the wrong people once upon a time. I don’t do that anymore. I’m very careful about who I chose to love. I used to be the idiot who loved everyone until I started really loving myself. I realized a lot of people are not deserving of my love. I realized people do not appreciate the love I give. The thing that really slapped me in the face is when I realized the love I gave people would never be returned. My love is too valuable to just be giving it away to just anyone. I feel the same way about my vagina. However sex isn’t that valuable to me anymore. Ending my celibacy journey was my decision. I thought having sex would help me become more intimate. I guess I’ll never know. I’m thinking more about sex for synergy than intimacy. Until I can work through my own issues, I really don’t have a desire for intimacy anymore. I don’t have a desire to be in a relationship or be in love. All I want to do is create.

I hope you all have a great Valentines Day tomorrow!

I’m going to have a great Valentines Day by any means necessary.

Thanks for letting me share.

Be blessed.

-Malon Mahotiere